Disposable

Lesson 22: I am not disposable.

This lesson seems kind of a 'well duh!' kind of lesson, but hear me out.  Most of you who read this blog know that I was rejected from Hume Lake this summer, and I was later accepted when a position opened up.  This is where this word 'disposable' first came into my mind.  I was talking to my mom when I told her I wasn't going to Hume and I got an email confirming it.  Note that the following conversation in slightly paraphrased.

Me: Yeah, but it's okay.  I still have Pump It Up and other things I can do this summer.

Mom: You know, I find it interesting that you have one company where you're so important that they never want you to leave, and then you have Hume where you're kind of... Hmmm.... *thinking of word*

Me: Disposable?

Mom: Yeah, pretty much.

I'm not sure why that word suddenly came to my mind.  I have a hunch that the devil was listening pretty closely and perhaps whispered the idea into my head, but needless to say, it's kind of messed up my head.  Ever since I said that word, it's how I've felt in a lot of my current situations and even in some friendships.  When time is cut short or not enough time is spent, I feel like that person doesn't need me and I can be replaced easily.  I know of course I can never be replaced, but perhaps the happiness that person feels with me can be?  And perhaps there is some truth that people don't absolutely need me, but it still hurts because I feel like I need them but they don't need me.  I'm so dependent on the relationships that I have with others, and I know it's not always good for me.

Anywho, before this turns into that kind of post, I'm going to go on.  It hasn't just been in my relationships though.  If I was being honest, I recently have felt disposable everywhere I go, except Pump It Up.  At PIU I know that I'm needed there and I honestly feel like that company would fall to pieces if it weren't for me.  Call me overly proud, but until you've worked there you wouldn't know.  Anyways, even at my church I feel this way.  As some of you know, I've been with New Hope's youth for over 4 years now.  After I graduated high school, I stayed in hopes of becoming a small group leader (the dream I've had since my sophomore year of high school).  It's been two years and I still haven't been given that position, or any sort of position really.  I just kind of show up, talk to the kids and leaders, and hope that I can help in any way possible. Now, I know why I'm not a small group leader yet and I've accepted that.  Due to timing, the position was given to other and more experienced leaders (and rightful so!). I'm not upset that I'm not a small group leader because I figured my time would be coming soon (and by soon, I mean this coming year).

As the time for the new freshman group comes, I'm slowly realizing that there is a huge possibility that I won't be given that position again this year.  Last night, I was looking at a paper that our youth pastor passes out to the small group leaders and it had a list of names of people he considered to be leaders.  My name wasn't on there.  OH NO. But the guy who has been reported for sexual harassment AND was fired from PIU for making out with another employee during company time was on there.  OH.  And an old leader who JUST got back three weeks ago was on there (mind you, I absolutely LOVE this person.  She's incredible and she deserves to be a leader, but I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that I'm jealous that she's immediately considered a leader after only being back three weeks).  But no, I wasn't on there.  Can you tell I'm a little upset?  I just can't help but wonder, "What the heck am I still doing there?"  I'm two years out of high school and I'm still going to a Monday night youth group where I'm not even considered a leader.  Can you see where I feel embarrassed?  I don't care that I don't have title or whatever, I'm just upset that I feel so disposable in the place that I love SO much.  That place feels like family to me, but I can't help but feel like I'm not family to them.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.  It's tearing me apart inside.  God, take this away from me.  I know I'm not disposable to you.  I know that you have an amazing plan for me and you made me for it.  You built in me this need to feel desired, so make me feel desired by you.  I know you desire me, and maybe that's the whole point of all this.  I need you God, take this feeling away from me.  Remind me, Holy Spirit.

Your beautiful daughter,

~Alyssa (SSD)

P.S: Friends, please know that I'm not talking about most of you.  You have been such a blessing me these past few weeks because you've told me and shown me that you want to spend time with me.  As long as you've done that, I can guarantee I haven't felt that way about you.  I love you guys!

Water and Fire

This is a little short story that I wrote for my English class. Enjoy!

Water and Fire

            I hate being the princess.  I hate it just about as much as I hate this dress.  It's my favorite blue color, but it's suffocating and hard to move in.  My hair is curled and half of it is pinned back, just as my mother requested.  She always says I look most like a princess when I dress up, perhaps that's why I hate it so much.  "Oh Kaia, you look so beautiful," my mother says in almost disbelief, "I can't believe you're finally turning eighteen."

            "Mom, do I have to go through with this ball?  You know I'm not fond of them," I say with a begging tone. 

            "Of course! You know it's tradition on this planet for you to have a coming of age ball.  All your possible suitors will be here tonight."

            I don't bother answering.  My heart already belongs to someone, but she could never know that.  Never.  In royalty, love is irrelevant.  You marry for power and to continue the family line, nothing more.  If you fall in love with the person you marry, you are lucky.  I know deep in my heart that I can never marry the man I love, it is forbidden.  After all, we are from different planets.  I'm a water bender, he is a fire bender.  It doesn't matter that we love each other, our people hate each other.  But even if we can't be together, I will do everything in my power to drive away any and all suitors. 

            Of course I will have to be discrete.  If my mother ever found out that I'm purposely driving away men, she would surely disown me.  Then again, she would probably disown me if she knew half of the things I'm doing.  I didn't even want to begin to think what father would do if he found out.  I would probably be thrown into the dungeon for treason if he knew.  I know it's strictly forbidden for me to converse with fire benders, but Brant is a good man.  He is the one who taught me to how to wield my element, and more importantly, he frees me from this place.  Without him, I surely would have gone mad by now.  Even though I've never gone a day without possessions and food, I've gone many days without anyone. 

            To me, it doesn't matter that Brant is a fire bender. It doesn't matter that our planets are at war with each other.  It's a stupid war any way.  We have been in this war since before I was born and I'm sure no one remembers why the war was started.  Brant and I hated this war for keeping us apart.  We would go weeks without seeing each other because of it, and it just reminded us that we could never be together in the public eye.  On top of that, I know we can't keep this up much longer.  It won't be long before my father, the King, finds a husband for me.  Now that I'm eighteen, I'm officially on the market. 

            My mom interrupted my thoughts by placing her hands on my shoulders.  "Be great, my beautiful princess," she whispered in my ear.

            I take a deep breath as we walk to the ball room.  Everyone is waiting for us, but I'm still in no hurry.  They could wait for me forever and I wouldn't care.  I can hear the music playing in the background, but it comes to a screeching halt once my mother and I walk in.  Everyone bows and I hate it.  Any girl would love to be me, and I wish the opposite. I would give anything to be ordinary, and not be the center of attention. Once everyone finishes bowing, the music begins again and the suitors begin to approach me.  My mother gracefully hands me over the first man, and I put on my fake smile.  I go from man to man very quickly, only dancing one song with each one before getting interrupted.  Some birthday. 

            As the night goes on, I can feel my feet and my eyes growing tired.  I'm sure my smile looks fake by now and I feel like I'm falling.  Someone save me from this nightmare, I beg.  "May I have this next dance?" the familiar voice says behind me. 

            "Yes," I reply with joy in my voice.

            I try not sound too excited, but it's hard not to.  I turn towards the familiar face, but I'm in disbelief.  How can he be here?  He pulls me into his arms and smiles at me as we begin to dance.  "What are you doing here?" I ask.

            "To see you on your Birthday of course," Brant replies and he smiles at his obvious answer.

             "But how?  Your eyes are..." I say, but I notice quickly that his eyes are not his normal color.

            "Color contacts," he says simply.

            "Ah," I reply with a smile.

            Brant's eyes would have been a dead give away that he's a fire bender had he not worn those contacts.  Fire benders are known to have orange eyes, just as water benders are known for their blue eyes.  Everyone can tell who is a bender and who is a non bender by the color of their eyes.  Earth benders have brown eyes, air benders have grey eyes, and non benders have green eyes.  Brant has blue contacts in to make himself look like a water bender, but I don't like them on him.  I would much rather see his real eyes, I think they're much more beautiful orange. 

            "Think I make a good water bender?" he whispers in my ear.

            I giggle and whisper back, "I love you just the way you are."

            He just smiles at me, but I know he's thinking it too.  We just slow dance for a while, just trying to enjoy the moment.  I can feel his heart beat racing and I'm sure he can feel mine.  There is so much danger with him being where he is right now, and I'm fearful for him.  If he were discovered, he would be killed immediately, probably on the spot.  Why did the water benders and fire benders have to hate each other so much?  We don't have any issues with the earth or air benders, and in fact they both try to stay out of the conflict. 

            "How are you?" he asks and then adds with sarcasm, "I bet you're just loving that dress."

            "Oh you know, they're just my favorite thing in the world," I say back, mimicking his sarcasm.  "And I'm fine," I say to answer his question, "Better now that you're here."

            "Hmmm... that's good," he says.

            "How are you?  It's been a while, has the conflict been keeping you busy?" I say, the last part under my breath.

            His smile disappears as he replies, "We'll talk about that later."

            "You're coming tonight?"

            "I wouldn't miss it."

            This makes me happy, knowing I don't have to say goodbye to him after this dance.  But I worry about him.  I know this war has taken a huge toll on Brant and it often makes him depressed, especially when a friend of his gets taken away.  This happens quiet frequently, but Brant always finds a way to perk back up after a while.  The war makes me scared for Brant, the only person who I truly care for in this world.  It takes all the will power in my being to pull myself away from Brant once the song ends, but I know that I will see him soon.  I don't take my eyes off Brant until he disappears into the crowd and my new dance partner demands my attention. 

            The rest of the night drags and I feel exhausted.  All I want to do is go to my room and lay down in my bed next to Brant.  After another hour (felt like six hours to me) of dancing and talking to all the important people, I kindly excused myself from the party.  I already talked to the generals and princes of the Earth and Air planet, so I knew father wouldn't mind.  Half of the people left already anyways. 

            I walk quickly to my room, but I'm trying not to seem too hasty.  When I get there, my room is empty and I'm confused.  Brant should have been here by now.  "Brant?" I whisper, "It's me, are you here?"

            No response.  My thoughts immediately assume the worse: He was captured and killed.  Security is very tight tonight given the event, but Brant never seemed to have issues before this.  Suddenly I'm lifted off the ground and I almost scream until I realize it's Brant.  "Hi," he greets me with a soft peck on the lips.

            "You scared me, in more ways than one! You dummy," I playful hit him as he walks me over to my large bed.

            "I'm sorry, but your face was so priceless," he lets out a chuckle and he sets me on my bed.

            "Rest," he adds, "I bet you're tired."

            "Exhausted," I correct him, "But not too tired not to talk to you."

            "Good," he says with a grin.

            He lights a few candles and turns out the artificial light before joining me on the bed.  I'm so happy to have him laying next to me again and we hold each other for the longest time without speaking.  I almost don't want to talk.  Of course I want to know how he's been, but I know talking will lead to the war and I don't want to talk about the war.  The war has already ruined our lives enough, it doesn't need to ruin our night too.  But curiosity overcomes my thoughts, I need to know how he's been.  "How are you?" I ask plainly.

            "Better now that you're here," he echoes my words from earlier.

            "Glad I can help," I whisper.

            "Kaia," he says so seriously, "I don't know how much more of this war I can handle.  I can't stand losing all these people I grow close to and being apart from you.  I can't do it anymore."

            I've never heard him talk like this before.  I know he doesn't like this war anymore than I do, but he's never talked about quitting the military.  This is very odd for him, there must be something more to it.  "What happened this last time?" I ask, "You were gone for so long this time."

             He's quiet at first, but he takes a deep breath and asks, "Promise you won't freak out?"

            "Promise," I say perhaps a little too quickly.

            "I was in the hospital most of the time," he admits.

            "What for?"

            The question sounds stupid after I say it.  Of course he must have been injured, but how bad could it have been?  "I nearly got my right leg cut off and I've got a few cuts on my chest.  I was bleeding pretty badly."

            "How badly?"

            He swallows, and says as calmly as he can, "Lets just say, if my comrade hadn't found me, I don't know if I would have made it."

            I want to freak out, but I promised him I wouldn't.  I'm sure he can feel my heart racing even faster now.  I don't want to picture my life without him, it's too painful.  I picture him laying in the battle field, bleeding to death and seeing the light leave his beautiful orange eyes.  I can feel tears starting to form, but I manage to hold them back.  "You're right," I mutter, trying not to sound upset, "You should quit the military."

            "It's not that easy, Kaia."

            "Why not?" I prompt.

            "If you quit the military during war time, it's fire planet law that you serve jail time.  It's a crime to not serve during war time when you're called upon.  And you know I'm one of the top commanders, it's even harder when you're higher up on the military scale.  Plus, I'd be humiliated and labeled as a coward."

            "They can't do that to you!" I blurt out.

            This is ridiculous.  Perhaps he could hide here, but that sounds almost as dangerous (if not more).  I hate this war, even more than I already did.  "They can, Kaia," he says with a sigh.

            "Then we'll have to figure out a way, there has to be something," I say as if I'm pleading.

            "There's only one thing I can do, but it's also potentially dangerous and I'll be living in fear for the rest of my life."

            "What's that?"

            "Run away."

            "Run away?" I say shocked, "I've never know you as the 'running away' type."

            This really did not sound like Brant.  I'm not sure what happened on that battle field, but it changed him.  The last time I saw him, he was committed to staying in the military for the rest of his life.  I'm not sure which idea I hate more, him staying in the military or running away.  If he stayed in the military, he could be killed and I would never see him again.  But if he ran away, I would probably never see him again either.  Is this truly our fate?  Can we never be together?  I know that this day would have to come soon, but I kept pushing it away.

            Brant stays silent for a while from my comment, but he eventually replies, "I'm not running away."

            "But you just said-"

            "Unless you come with me," he cuts me off.

            I look up at him and he's looking at me with all seriousness.  I can feel the initial shock on my face and I bet he sees it.  This is madness!  Run away with Brant?  It all seems too simple, but I know we would be hiding in fear for the rest of our lives if we did that.  Brant decided to elaborate more when I remained silent, "I'm not running away unless you come with me, Kaia.  If you don't want to, then I'll stay in the military.  But I'll run the risk of death or coming back and you're already married.  You know it's true, Kaia.  It's only a matter of days before your dad will choose someone for you and I don't think the war will be ending anytime soon for me to be considered for you."

            I soak in his words for a while.  Everything he says is true, but how can I just leave?  I've always dreamed of leaving, but to actually do it?  I'm not sure if I have the courage to do such a thing.  I bury my face in Brant's chest as I mull over my given options.  I can stay here and live in misery, or run away with Brant but live as a refuge forever.  "Do you have a plan?  I mean, where would we go?" I utter without even thinking.

            "I have connections on the Earth planet.  There's a small town that's unknown to a lot of people outside of the planet."

            "Sounds too good to be true," I say with honesty.

            "I know, but it's still dangerous.  If anyone found out our whereabouts, we'd have to leave immediately."

            This all does seem too good to be true.  I won't have to be Princess Kaia anymore, I can just be Kaia.  I won't have to pretend anymore.  I won't have to pretend to be happy, I can actually be happy.  I won't have to hide my water bending anymore.  I can be with Brant, the person I love more than anything.  I can live.  I can just be me. 

            "Okay," I say without hesitation, "I'll go with you."

            Brant and I leave that next morning since the security was low since it was after the ball.  The sad part is, it took security a whole day to figure out that I had gone missing.  We are welcomed into the Earth planet with no issues.  It really is a peaceful planet just as people had claimed.  I love the place Brant and I live.  It's right by the water so I can practice my water bending.  The house isn't very big, but I don't mind because I'm so happy to be with Brant.  After a week of being in the Earth planet, we get married in secret with the help of Brant's connections. 

            The first ten years of our lives on the Earth planet were stressful at times.  We had a few scares that we had been discovered, but it turned out all right every time.  It pained me that we couldn't explain to our children why they had to hide every time we had a scare.  But after those ten years, both planets called off their searches of us and declared us dead.  Our disappearances only seemed to escalate the battles between the Fire and Water planets.  There were conspiracies floating around that I was killed by fire benders and that water benders killed Brant out of revenge. 

            The war never did end during our life time.  Looking back at my life with Brant and my two children, I'm grateful to Brant for taking me away.  I had a good life, and it was as ordinary as it possibly could have been.  Now that Brant and I are old, and almost close to death, we finally tell our children the truth.  Although, they tell us they already know and they put the puzzle pieces together.  We tell them that it's our hope that they would live to see the day when the war would come to an end.  They tell us their plan on telling our story when we die, which we both know will be very soon.  It's the hope of my children that they can end the conflict by telling our story.  "Perhaps if they hear how much you love each other," my youngest says, "then maybe they'll realize they can love each other too and end the fighting."

            "Perhaps," I say with a hopeful smile on my face.

Humbled

Lesson 20: God never ceases to humble me.

As some of you many know, I've been like a roller coaster since Mexico.  Sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world, and other times I feel like I'm at the bottom of a very deep pit.  A week ago, I was in a pit.  I had gotten my email from Hume confirming that I would not be joining them this summer.  This, of course, devastated me.  And after only two minutes of opening that email, I also received news that the man I love most in this world is leaving for school, for sure.  I kept telling myself that everything was okay, that God has me in his arms, and that it's not the end of the world, but the tears kept coming.  It was sort of a humbling experience.

Of course I knew rationally that everything would be okay, but I didn't feel that way.  I can't help but wonder if that's even remotely close to how Jesus felt.  Of course, his case is way more extreme than mine, but think about it.  He knew he would win the battle against sin, but when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane I can't imagine He was feeling it (Luke 22:44).  I think a lot of people know that everything bad that is happening in their life is temporary, it just doesn't feel that way.  In a lot of ways, I think God uses this feeling we have to humble us when we need to humbled.  I know I definitely needed to be humbled.  I'll be the first to admit that my reasoning for wanting to go to Hume were not right.  While I wanted to go to serve others, that definitely wasn't my top reason for going, which is what it should be.  God opened my eyes to that.  He said (paraphrasing), "Your heart is not right here.  You need to fill your heart with me."  I had to first admit that my heart was not right and I had to repent.  It took me a few days, but I got there.

But God wasn't finished with me.  To humble me even more, He did something incredible.  Hume Lake called me and offered me a position.  I was completely stunned.  I waiting two months with this tainted heart and got nothing. I waited two days with a repented heart, and God fulfilled my deepest desires.  It was by far, one of the most humbling experiences of my life.  I realized that being humbled is an on going process.  We must always have a humble mindset, in all our circumstances.  Humility cannot just be a one time thing, it must be a daily thing.

As a Sailor Scout... I mean uh... Warrior of God, I must be last if I want to first.  How easy it is to forget this lesson, but it's so critical in our walk with the Lord.  Sailor Moon always put others first, and through her humble heart she was placed in the highest authority.  We must not forget to continue to be humble, even when we are in an authority role.  Jesus certainly didn't forget, and neither should we.

God, you never cease to humble me.  Thank you for always guiding my heart.

Forever yours,

~Alyssa (SailorD)

"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." ~C.S. Lewis