Lesson 25: Love is sacrifice.
I think I may have skimmed the surface of this topic before, but I've decided to make this a whole post. I don't know why, but this topic has really been getting under my skin lately. Okay, maybe I should rephrase. People have been getting under my skin recently. These people get under my skin because they don't understand this concept, or they don't practice it. I know I myself have not always practiced the concept that "Love is Sacrifice," but I'd like to think that I'm at least at the intermediate level on this. I don't know, maybe I need to reread my Humility post haha.
Anywho, there are some people in my life and other people who've I've just recently met who don't get this concept and it genuinely bothers me. They say things like, "OMG. I LOVE HIM. HE MAKES ME FEEEEEEL SOOOO GOOD." To that I say, "Pipe the F*** down" (Haha, Jenna Marbles reference...yeah.) But seriously, get a grip. If you "love" this person because he makes you "feel" good, it's not love. Sure, feeling good can come with love. But if you do that, then you're basing the relationship on emotions and feelings. That's not healthy and it won't last. It's not sacrificial or unconditional love in any way shape or form. If I based my current relationship on how good he makes me feel, it wouldn't be a very good one. I will admit, there are days when he doesn't make me "feel good," but does that mean I love him any less? Of course not. (Sorry babe if you're reading this, but you're not perfect. But it's okay, cause neither am I. Our God is and that's all that matters!) I realized through our tough times that I did not practice this sacrificial and unconditional love and that's ultimately what lead to the separation. Not to say it was all my fault, but you get the idea. I realized through all the crap I put him through that I was not loving him unconditionally as he was/is. And I sure as heck wasn't sacrificial. Even through the tough times he told me, "I don't care about what you've done or what you feel, I still love you." (paraphrased)
I guess that's why I see people now who do this and I just cringe. I recently met someone who is in a relationship. Loving woman of God, but man... she is on a path of destruction. Only been dating this guy for a month or two (maybe 3, not sure) and claims to love him. Which, okay, I guess that's possible. But then the next day she comes and complains about something he did and says he's stupid, he's inconsiderate, etc. Then the next day they make up and the cycle repeats. During those times when he's being "insert insult", she's clearly not loving him. I get it if you need to rant every now and then, BUT COME ON. If you can't even go a week without putting conditions and expectations on your significant other, you don't deserve one. Period.
Same goes for friendships. I've had a lot of friends who don't sacrifice, and frankly those ones aren't ones worth keeping. Coming to someone when it's convenient for you is not okay. I get it. People get busy, and schedules conflict. But at least TRY. Key word: try. If you at least try, I know you're genuinely making an effort and sacrificing your time. If you're in a friendship because you "have fun with them" or "they make you feel happy", etc, etc, then how is that a friendship? People disappoint. Simple truth. I will disappoint people, others will disappoint me too. But does that mean you just give up? Not if you truly care for that person.
Wow. I totally just realized that this just turned into a rant post. My bad. If you've read that far, congrats on enduring that! But seriously, if you're in a relationship or whatever, just hear my plea and evaluate yourself. Do you love this person because you "feel good" or because you choose daily to love him/her? Love is a choice and an action. If you're basing love off of feelings, you're not truly loving. Heck, if Jesus based love off of his feelings, He wouldn't have died for us!!! Do you think he felt like going to the cross? No, he choose to sacrifice because He chooses to love us unconditionally. Wow.
With Lots of Love,
~SSD (Alyssa)
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Testimonies
Lesson 24: A testimony is life long.
So these past two weeks at youth group, we've been talking a lot about testimonies. A lot of our high school kids got the chance to share theirs and it a lot of them were quite inspiring. Every single one shared a piece of God's story and that's so powerful. However, I will admit that I was somewhat disappointed with some. Some of the high schoolers only shared the part where they were saved and they consider that their "testimony". It reminded me of one of the most important lessons I learned this year at Hume Lake. A testimony does not end at your salvation. A testimony is an on going process and when we share, we need to be mindful of what God is doing in our lives here and now. An example that I was taught is that a testimony is like a marriage.
Illustration time: "How's your relationship with your wife?"
"It's great! You know the wedding was absolutely perfect. She was so stunning in her gown and she just captivated my heart. Everyone cheered and we had so much fun that day. Life changing day."
"That's great! But that was two years ago, how are you guys doing today?"
"Today? Oh well, I haven't really talked to her since, but it's fine."
Can you just hear how ridiculous this sounds? The marriage/relationship means nothing unless that person continually loves his wife and commits to her. Wouldn't the conversation have sounded much better if he had said something like, "Relationship is great! I'll admit we had a little rocky time in our marriage, but we're working through it. She's so great and I just love learning new things about her everyday. Like the other day we..." etc etc etc.
So why do we do the same thing with our testimony? Can our testimony really be a testimony if we're not living it out? I can have the best 'rescue' story in the world, but if I'm not living a Godly life here and now, what does it matter? Now, this isn't to say that your relationship with God always has to be perfect for your testimony to matter. But even through the difficult times, how are you putting in effort into the relationship? Are you still staying in the Word? I know a lot of times I've said, "Relationship with God isn't that great, I feel like I can't trust Him with this. But I know He's working, I just haven't seen it or understood it yet."
God, we're part of your story, not the other way around. You never said, "Invite me into your life." Instead you said, "Surrender your life. Then come, follow me" (Paraphrased, Matt 19:21). You invite us into this adventurous, and beautiful story of yours and thank you for that. I love you, Abba. Thank you.
With All My Love,
~Alyssa
So these past two weeks at youth group, we've been talking a lot about testimonies. A lot of our high school kids got the chance to share theirs and it a lot of them were quite inspiring. Every single one shared a piece of God's story and that's so powerful. However, I will admit that I was somewhat disappointed with some. Some of the high schoolers only shared the part where they were saved and they consider that their "testimony". It reminded me of one of the most important lessons I learned this year at Hume Lake. A testimony does not end at your salvation. A testimony is an on going process and when we share, we need to be mindful of what God is doing in our lives here and now. An example that I was taught is that a testimony is like a marriage.
Illustration time: "How's your relationship with your wife?"
"It's great! You know the wedding was absolutely perfect. She was so stunning in her gown and she just captivated my heart. Everyone cheered and we had so much fun that day. Life changing day."
"That's great! But that was two years ago, how are you guys doing today?"
"Today? Oh well, I haven't really talked to her since, but it's fine."
Can you just hear how ridiculous this sounds? The marriage/relationship means nothing unless that person continually loves his wife and commits to her. Wouldn't the conversation have sounded much better if he had said something like, "Relationship is great! I'll admit we had a little rocky time in our marriage, but we're working through it. She's so great and I just love learning new things about her everyday. Like the other day we..." etc etc etc.
So why do we do the same thing with our testimony? Can our testimony really be a testimony if we're not living it out? I can have the best 'rescue' story in the world, but if I'm not living a Godly life here and now, what does it matter? Now, this isn't to say that your relationship with God always has to be perfect for your testimony to matter. But even through the difficult times, how are you putting in effort into the relationship? Are you still staying in the Word? I know a lot of times I've said, "Relationship with God isn't that great, I feel like I can't trust Him with this. But I know He's working, I just haven't seen it or understood it yet."
God, we're part of your story, not the other way around. You never said, "Invite me into your life." Instead you said, "Surrender your life. Then come, follow me" (Paraphrased, Matt 19:21). You invite us into this adventurous, and beautiful story of yours and thank you for that. I love you, Abba. Thank you.
With All My Love,
~Alyssa
Thursday, July 11, 2013
God's Company
Lesson 23: We should want God's Company rather than His clarity.
Last night we had a great speaker talk to us summer staffers at Hume. He told us a story that basically explains what I believe when it comes to "God's plan". This story explains the belief so well that I just had to share it. It goes something like this:
There are two houses in a neighborhood. In the back yard of one of the houses, there is a little boy who is playing with his brand new red firetruck outside. He's enjoying himself when suddenly he thinks he hears his father calling him from the kitchen. The little boy immediately drops his firetruck and rushes in to see what his father wants. When he gets inside, he can't find his father in the kitchen so he looks all over the house to find him. After searching in several rooms, the little boy finally finds his father in the master bedroom sitting on the lazy boy (which apparently every dad has). The little boy goes running up to his father and says, "Dad, I thought I heard you calling me." The father picks up his son and sits him on his lap. Then he slaps his son and says, "Son, don't ever come to me unless you're sure I called you."
Moving on to the other house. There is also a little boy who is playing with his brand new red firetruck outside. He's enjoying himself when suddenly he thinks he hears his father calling him from the kitchen. The little boy immediately drops his firetruck and rushes in to see what his father wants. When he gets inside, he can't find his father in the kitchen so he looks all over the house to find him. After searching in several rooms, the little boy finally finds his father in the master bedroom sitting on the lazy boy (which apparently every dad has). The little boy goes running up to his father and says, "Dad, I thought I heard you calling me." The father picks up his son and sits him on his lap. The father says, "Son, I didn't call you, but I'm happy you came to me."
Which father do you think is most like God? Do you really think God is going to slap you in the face because you came to him because you thought He was calling you when he wasn't? If you do, you've missed the whole point of the cross. Jesus died so that we can have intimacy with Him! No matter where you go, God will use you. As long as you are chasing after God in what you do, you can't go wrong because you'll have God right by your side.
"Are you searching for God's Clarity or God's Company?" ~Josh Riebock
I'll leave you with that question.
With Lots of Love,
~Alyssa
Last night we had a great speaker talk to us summer staffers at Hume. He told us a story that basically explains what I believe when it comes to "God's plan". This story explains the belief so well that I just had to share it. It goes something like this:
There are two houses in a neighborhood. In the back yard of one of the houses, there is a little boy who is playing with his brand new red firetruck outside. He's enjoying himself when suddenly he thinks he hears his father calling him from the kitchen. The little boy immediately drops his firetruck and rushes in to see what his father wants. When he gets inside, he can't find his father in the kitchen so he looks all over the house to find him. After searching in several rooms, the little boy finally finds his father in the master bedroom sitting on the lazy boy (which apparently every dad has). The little boy goes running up to his father and says, "Dad, I thought I heard you calling me." The father picks up his son and sits him on his lap. Then he slaps his son and says, "Son, don't ever come to me unless you're sure I called you."
Moving on to the other house. There is also a little boy who is playing with his brand new red firetruck outside. He's enjoying himself when suddenly he thinks he hears his father calling him from the kitchen. The little boy immediately drops his firetruck and rushes in to see what his father wants. When he gets inside, he can't find his father in the kitchen so he looks all over the house to find him. After searching in several rooms, the little boy finally finds his father in the master bedroom sitting on the lazy boy (which apparently every dad has). The little boy goes running up to his father and says, "Dad, I thought I heard you calling me." The father picks up his son and sits him on his lap. The father says, "Son, I didn't call you, but I'm happy you came to me."
Which father do you think is most like God? Do you really think God is going to slap you in the face because you came to him because you thought He was calling you when he wasn't? If you do, you've missed the whole point of the cross. Jesus died so that we can have intimacy with Him! No matter where you go, God will use you. As long as you are chasing after God in what you do, you can't go wrong because you'll have God right by your side.
"Are you searching for God's Clarity or God's Company?" ~Josh Riebock
I'll leave you with that question.
With Lots of Love,
~Alyssa
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Disposable
Lesson 22: I am not disposable.
This lesson seems kind of a 'well duh!' kind of lesson, but hear me out. Most of you who read this blog know that I was rejected from Hume Lake this summer, and I was later accepted when a position opened up. This is where this word 'disposable' first came into my mind. I was talking to my mom when I told her I wasn't going to Hume and I got an email confirming it. Note that the following conversation in slightly paraphrased.
Me: Yeah, but it's okay. I still have Pump It Up and other things I can do this summer.
Mom: You know, I find it interesting that you have one company where you're so important that they never want you to leave, and then you have Hume where you're kind of... Hmmm.... *thinking of word*
Me: Disposable?
Mom: Yeah, pretty much.
I'm not sure why that word suddenly came to my mind. I have a hunch that the devil was listening pretty closely and perhaps whispered the idea into my head, but needless to say, it's kind of messed up my head. Ever since I said that word, it's how I've felt in a lot of my current situations and even in some friendships. When time is cut short or not enough time is spent, I feel like that person doesn't need me and I can be replaced easily. I know of course I can never be replaced, but perhaps the happiness that person feels with me can be? And perhaps there is some truth that people don't absolutely need me, but it still hurts because I feel like I need them but they don't need me. I'm so dependent on the relationships that I have with others, and I know it's not always good for me.
Anywho, before this turns into that kind of post, I'm going to go on. It hasn't just been in my relationships though. If I was being honest, I recently have felt disposable everywhere I go, except Pump It Up. At PIU I know that I'm needed there and I honestly feel like that company would fall to pieces if it weren't for me. Call me overly proud, but until you've worked there you wouldn't know. Anyways, even at my church I feel this way. As some of you know, I've been with New Hope's youth for over 4 years now. After I graduated high school, I stayed in hopes of becoming a small group leader (the dream I've had since my sophomore year of high school). It's been two years and I still haven't been given that position, or any sort of position really. I just kind of show up, talk to the kids and leaders, and hope that I can help in any way possible. Now, I know why I'm not a small group leader yet and I've accepted that. Due to timing, the position was given to other and more experienced leaders (and rightful so!). I'm not upset that I'm not a small group leader because I figured my time would be coming soon (and by soon, I mean this coming year).
As the time for the new freshman group comes, I'm slowly realizing that there is a huge possibility that I won't be given that position again this year. Last night, I was looking at a paper that our youth pastor passes out to the small group leaders and it had a list of names of people he considered to be leaders. My name wasn't on there. OH NO. But the guy who has been reported for sexual harassment AND was fired from PIU for making out with another employee during company time was on there. OH. And an old leader who JUST got back three weeks ago was on there (mind you, I absolutely LOVE this person. She's incredible and she deserves to be a leader, but I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that I'm jealous that she's immediately considered a leader after only being back three weeks). But no, I wasn't on there. Can you tell I'm a little upset? I just can't help but wonder, "What the heck am I still doing there?" I'm two years out of high school and I'm still going to a Monday night youth group where I'm not even considered a leader. Can you see where I feel embarrassed? I don't care that I don't have title or whatever, I'm just upset that I feel so disposable in the place that I love SO much. That place feels like family to me, but I can't help but feel like I'm not family to them.
I don't want to feel this way anymore. It's tearing me apart inside. God, take this away from me. I know I'm not disposable to you. I know that you have an amazing plan for me and you made me for it. You built in me this need to feel desired, so make me feel desired by you. I know you desire me, and maybe that's the whole point of all this. I need you God, take this feeling away from me. Remind me, Holy Spirit.
Your beautiful daughter,
~Alyssa (SSD)
P.S: Friends, please know that I'm not talking about most of you. You have been such a blessing me these past few weeks because you've told me and shown me that you want to spend time with me. As long as you've done that, I can guarantee I haven't felt that way about you. I love you guys!
This lesson seems kind of a 'well duh!' kind of lesson, but hear me out. Most of you who read this blog know that I was rejected from Hume Lake this summer, and I was later accepted when a position opened up. This is where this word 'disposable' first came into my mind. I was talking to my mom when I told her I wasn't going to Hume and I got an email confirming it. Note that the following conversation in slightly paraphrased.
Me: Yeah, but it's okay. I still have Pump It Up and other things I can do this summer.
Mom: You know, I find it interesting that you have one company where you're so important that they never want you to leave, and then you have Hume where you're kind of... Hmmm.... *thinking of word*
Me: Disposable?
Mom: Yeah, pretty much.
I'm not sure why that word suddenly came to my mind. I have a hunch that the devil was listening pretty closely and perhaps whispered the idea into my head, but needless to say, it's kind of messed up my head. Ever since I said that word, it's how I've felt in a lot of my current situations and even in some friendships. When time is cut short or not enough time is spent, I feel like that person doesn't need me and I can be replaced easily. I know of course I can never be replaced, but perhaps the happiness that person feels with me can be? And perhaps there is some truth that people don't absolutely need me, but it still hurts because I feel like I need them but they don't need me. I'm so dependent on the relationships that I have with others, and I know it's not always good for me.
Anywho, before this turns into that kind of post, I'm going to go on. It hasn't just been in my relationships though. If I was being honest, I recently have felt disposable everywhere I go, except Pump It Up. At PIU I know that I'm needed there and I honestly feel like that company would fall to pieces if it weren't for me. Call me overly proud, but until you've worked there you wouldn't know. Anyways, even at my church I feel this way. As some of you know, I've been with New Hope's youth for over 4 years now. After I graduated high school, I stayed in hopes of becoming a small group leader (the dream I've had since my sophomore year of high school). It's been two years and I still haven't been given that position, or any sort of position really. I just kind of show up, talk to the kids and leaders, and hope that I can help in any way possible. Now, I know why I'm not a small group leader yet and I've accepted that. Due to timing, the position was given to other and more experienced leaders (and rightful so!). I'm not upset that I'm not a small group leader because I figured my time would be coming soon (and by soon, I mean this coming year).
As the time for the new freshman group comes, I'm slowly realizing that there is a huge possibility that I won't be given that position again this year. Last night, I was looking at a paper that our youth pastor passes out to the small group leaders and it had a list of names of people he considered to be leaders. My name wasn't on there. OH NO. But the guy who has been reported for sexual harassment AND was fired from PIU for making out with another employee during company time was on there. OH. And an old leader who JUST got back three weeks ago was on there (mind you, I absolutely LOVE this person. She's incredible and she deserves to be a leader, but I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that I'm jealous that she's immediately considered a leader after only being back three weeks). But no, I wasn't on there. Can you tell I'm a little upset? I just can't help but wonder, "What the heck am I still doing there?" I'm two years out of high school and I'm still going to a Monday night youth group where I'm not even considered a leader. Can you see where I feel embarrassed? I don't care that I don't have title or whatever, I'm just upset that I feel so disposable in the place that I love SO much. That place feels like family to me, but I can't help but feel like I'm not family to them.
I don't want to feel this way anymore. It's tearing me apart inside. God, take this away from me. I know I'm not disposable to you. I know that you have an amazing plan for me and you made me for it. You built in me this need to feel desired, so make me feel desired by you. I know you desire me, and maybe that's the whole point of all this. I need you God, take this feeling away from me. Remind me, Holy Spirit.
Your beautiful daughter,
~Alyssa (SSD)
P.S: Friends, please know that I'm not talking about most of you. You have been such a blessing me these past few weeks because you've told me and shown me that you want to spend time with me. As long as you've done that, I can guarantee I haven't felt that way about you. I love you guys!
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Water and Fire
This is a little short story that I wrote for my English class. Enjoy!
Water
and Fire
I
hate being the princess. I hate it just
about as much as I hate this dress. It's
my favorite blue color, but it's suffocating and hard to move in. My hair is curled and half of it is pinned
back, just as my mother requested. She
always says I look most like a princess when I dress up, perhaps that's why I
hate it so much. "Oh Kaia, you look
so beautiful," my mother says in almost disbelief, "I can't believe
you're finally turning eighteen."
"Mom,
do I have to go through with this ball?
You know I'm not fond of them," I say with a begging tone.
"Of
course! You know it's tradition on this planet for you to have a coming of age
ball. All your possible suitors will be
here tonight."
I
don't bother answering. My heart already
belongs to someone, but she could never know that. Never.
In royalty, love is irrelevant.
You marry for power and to continue the family line, nothing more. If you fall in love with the person you marry,
you are lucky. I know deep in my heart
that I can never marry the man I love, it is forbidden. After all, we are from different
planets. I'm a water bender, he is a
fire bender. It doesn't matter that we
love each other, our people hate each other.
But even if we can't be together, I will do everything in my power to
drive away any and all suitors.
Of
course I will have to be discrete. If my
mother ever found out that I'm purposely driving away men, she would surely
disown me. Then again, she would
probably disown me if she knew half of the things I'm doing. I didn't even want to begin to think what
father would do if he found out. I would
probably be thrown into the dungeon for treason if he knew. I know it's strictly forbidden for me to converse
with fire benders, but Brant is a good man.
He is the one who taught me to how to wield my element, and more
importantly, he frees me from this place.
Without him, I surely would have gone mad by now. Even though I've never gone a day without
possessions and food, I've gone many days without anyone.
To
me, it doesn't matter that Brant is a fire bender. It doesn't matter that our
planets are at war with each other. It's
a stupid war any way. We have been in this
war since before I was born and I'm sure no one remembers why the war was
started. Brant and I hated this war for
keeping us apart. We would go weeks
without seeing each other because of it, and it just reminded us that we could
never be together in the public eye. On
top of that, I know we can't keep this up much longer. It won't be long before my father, the King,
finds a husband for me. Now that I'm
eighteen, I'm officially on the market.
My
mom interrupted my thoughts by placing her hands on my shoulders. "Be great, my beautiful princess,"
she whispered in my ear.
I
take a deep breath as we walk to the ball room.
Everyone is waiting for us, but I'm still in no hurry. They could wait for me forever and I wouldn't
care. I can hear the music playing in
the background, but it comes to a screeching halt once my mother and I walk
in. Everyone bows and I hate it. Any girl would love to be me, and I wish the
opposite. I would give anything to be ordinary, and not be the center of
attention. Once everyone finishes bowing, the music begins again and the
suitors begin to approach me. My mother
gracefully hands me over the first man, and I put on my fake smile. I go from man to man very quickly, only
dancing one song with each one before getting interrupted. Some birthday.
As
the night goes on, I can feel my feet and my eyes growing tired. I'm sure my smile looks fake by now and I
feel like I'm falling. Someone save me
from this nightmare, I beg. "May I
have this next dance?" the familiar voice says behind me.
"Yes,"
I reply with joy in my voice.
I
try not sound too excited, but it's hard not to. I turn towards the familiar face, but I'm in
disbelief. How can he be here? He pulls me into his arms and smiles at me as
we begin to dance. "What are you
doing here?" I ask.
"To
see you on your Birthday of course," Brant replies and he smiles at his
obvious answer.
"But how?
Your eyes are..." I say, but I notice quickly that his eyes are not
his normal color.
"Color
contacts," he says simply.
"Ah,"
I reply with a smile.
Brant's
eyes would have been a dead give away that he's a fire bender had he not worn
those contacts. Fire benders are known
to have orange eyes, just as water benders are known for their blue eyes. Everyone can tell who is a bender and who is
a non bender by the color of their eyes.
Earth benders have brown eyes, air benders have grey eyes, and non
benders have green eyes. Brant has blue
contacts in to make himself look like a water bender, but I don't like them on
him. I would much rather see his real
eyes, I think they're much more beautiful orange.
"Think
I make a good water bender?" he whispers in my ear.
I
giggle and whisper back, "I love you just the way you are."
He
just smiles at me, but I know he's thinking it too. We just slow dance for a while, just trying
to enjoy the moment. I can feel his
heart beat racing and I'm sure he can feel mine. There is so much danger with him being where
he is right now, and I'm fearful for him.
If he were discovered, he would be killed immediately, probably on the
spot. Why did the water benders and fire
benders have to hate each other so much?
We don't have any issues with the earth or air benders, and in fact they
both try to stay out of the conflict.
"How
are you?" he asks and then adds with sarcasm, "I bet you're just
loving that dress."
"Oh
you know, they're just my favorite thing in the world," I say back,
mimicking his sarcasm. "And I'm
fine," I say to answer his question, "Better now that you're
here."
"Hmmm...
that's good," he says.
"How
are you? It's been a while, has the
conflict been keeping you busy?" I say, the last part under my breath.
His
smile disappears as he replies, "We'll talk about that later."
"You're
coming tonight?"
"I
wouldn't miss it."
This
makes me happy, knowing I don't have to say goodbye to him after this
dance. But I worry about him. I know this war has taken a huge toll on
Brant and it often makes him depressed, especially when a friend of his gets
taken away. This happens quiet
frequently, but Brant always finds a way to perk back up after a while. The war makes me scared for Brant, the only
person who I truly care for in this world.
It takes all the will power in my being to pull myself away from Brant
once the song ends, but I know that I will see him soon. I don't take my eyes off Brant until he
disappears into the crowd and my new dance partner demands my attention.
The
rest of the night drags and I feel exhausted.
All I want to do is go to my room and lay down in my bed next to
Brant. After another hour (felt like six
hours to me) of dancing and talking to all the important people, I kindly
excused myself from the party. I already
talked to the generals and princes of the Earth and Air planet, so I knew
father wouldn't mind. Half of the people
left already anyways.
I
walk quickly to my room, but I'm trying not to seem too hasty. When I get there, my room is empty and I'm
confused. Brant should have been here by
now. "Brant?" I whisper,
"It's me, are you here?"
No
response. My thoughts immediately assume
the worse: He was captured and killed.
Security is very tight tonight given the event, but Brant never seemed
to have issues before this. Suddenly I'm
lifted off the ground and I almost scream until I realize it's Brant. "Hi," he greets me with a soft peck
on the lips.
"You
scared me, in more ways than one! You dummy," I playful hit him as he
walks me over to my large bed.
"I'm
sorry, but your face was so priceless," he lets out a chuckle and he sets
me on my bed.
"Rest,"
he adds, "I bet you're tired."
"Exhausted,"
I correct him, "But not too tired not to talk to you."
"Good,"
he says with a grin.
He
lights a few candles and turns out the artificial light before joining me on
the bed. I'm so happy to have him laying
next to me again and we hold each other for the longest time without
speaking. I almost don't want to
talk. Of course I want to know how he's
been, but I know talking will lead to the war and I don't want to talk about
the war. The war has already ruined our
lives enough, it doesn't need to ruin our night too. But curiosity overcomes my thoughts, I need
to know how he's been. "How are
you?" I ask plainly.
"Better
now that you're here," he echoes my words from earlier.
"Glad
I can help," I whisper.
"Kaia,"
he says so seriously, "I don't know how much more of this war I can
handle. I can't stand losing all these
people I grow close to and being apart from you. I can't do it anymore."
I've
never heard him talk like this before. I
know he doesn't like this war anymore than I do, but he's never talked about
quitting the military. This is very odd
for him, there must be something more to it.
"What happened this last time?" I ask, "You were gone for
so long this time."
He's quiet at first, but he takes a deep
breath and asks, "Promise you won't freak out?"
"Promise,"
I say perhaps a little too quickly.
"I
was in the hospital most of the time," he admits.
"What
for?"
The
question sounds stupid after I say it.
Of course he must have been injured, but how bad could it have
been? "I nearly got my right leg
cut off and I've got a few cuts on my chest.
I was bleeding pretty badly."
"How
badly?"
He
swallows, and says as calmly as he can, "Lets just say, if my comrade
hadn't found me, I don't know if I would have made it."
I
want to freak out, but I promised him I wouldn't. I'm sure he can feel my heart racing even
faster now. I don't want to picture my
life without him, it's too painful. I
picture him laying in the battle field, bleeding to death and seeing the light
leave his beautiful orange eyes. I can
feel tears starting to form, but I manage to hold them back. "You're right," I mutter, trying
not to sound upset, "You should quit the military."
"It's
not that easy, Kaia."
"Why
not?" I prompt.
"If
you quit the military during war time, it's fire planet law that you serve jail
time. It's a crime to not serve during
war time when you're called upon. And
you know I'm one of the top commanders, it's even harder when you're higher up
on the military scale. Plus, I'd be
humiliated and labeled as a coward."
"They
can't do that to you!" I blurt out.
This
is ridiculous. Perhaps he could hide
here, but that sounds almost as dangerous (if not more). I hate this war, even more than I already
did. "They can, Kaia," he says
with a sigh.
"Then
we'll have to figure out a way, there has to be something," I say as if
I'm pleading.
"There's
only one thing I can do, but it's also potentially dangerous and I'll be living
in fear for the rest of my life."
"What's
that?"
"Run
away."
"Run
away?" I say shocked, "I've never know you as the 'running away'
type."
This
really did not sound like Brant. I'm not
sure what happened on that battle field, but it changed him. The last time I saw him, he was committed to
staying in the military for the rest of his life. I'm not sure which idea I hate more, him
staying in the military or running away.
If he stayed in the military, he could be killed and I would never see
him again. But if he ran away, I would
probably never see him again either. Is
this truly our fate? Can we never be
together? I know that this day would
have to come soon, but I kept pushing it away.
Brant
stays silent for a while from my comment, but he eventually replies, "I'm
not running away."
"But
you just said-"
"Unless
you come with me," he cuts me off.
I
look up at him and he's looking at me with all seriousness. I can feel the initial shock on my face and I
bet he sees it. This is madness! Run away with Brant? It all seems too simple, but I know we would
be hiding in fear for the rest of our lives if we did that. Brant decided to elaborate more when I
remained silent, "I'm not running away unless you come with me, Kaia. If you don't want to, then I'll stay in the
military. But I'll run the risk of death
or coming back and you're already married.
You know it's true, Kaia. It's
only a matter of days before your dad will choose someone for you and I don't
think the war will be ending anytime soon for me to be considered for
you."
I
soak in his words for a while.
Everything he says is true, but how can I just leave? I've always dreamed of leaving, but to
actually do it? I'm not sure if I have
the courage to do such a thing. I bury
my face in Brant's chest as I mull over my given options. I can stay here and live in misery, or run
away with Brant but live as a refuge forever.
"Do you have a plan? I mean,
where would we go?" I utter without even thinking.
"I
have connections on the Earth planet.
There's a small town that's unknown to a lot of people outside of the
planet."
"Sounds
too good to be true," I say with honesty.
"I
know, but it's still dangerous. If
anyone found out our whereabouts, we'd have to leave immediately."
This
all does seem too good to be
true. I won't have to be Princess Kaia
anymore, I can just be Kaia. I won't
have to pretend anymore. I won't have to
pretend to be happy, I can actually be happy.
I won't have to hide my water bending anymore. I can be with Brant, the person I love more
than anything. I can live. I can just be me.
"Okay,"
I say without hesitation, "I'll go with you."
Brant
and I leave that next morning since the security was low since it was after the
ball. The sad part is, it took security
a whole day to figure out that I had gone missing. We are welcomed into the Earth planet with no
issues. It really is a peaceful planet
just as people had claimed. I love the
place Brant and I live. It's right by
the water so I can practice my water bending.
The house isn't very big, but I don't mind because I'm so happy to be
with Brant. After a week of being in the
Earth planet, we get married in secret with the help of Brant's
connections.
The
first ten years of our lives on the Earth planet were stressful at times. We had a few scares that we had been
discovered, but it turned out all right every time. It pained me that we couldn't explain to our
children why they had to hide every time we had a scare. But after those ten years, both planets
called off their searches of us and declared us dead. Our disappearances only seemed to escalate
the battles between the Fire and Water planets.
There were conspiracies floating around that I was killed by fire
benders and that water benders killed Brant out of revenge.
The
war never did end during our life time.
Looking back at my life with Brant and my two children, I'm grateful to
Brant for taking me away. I had a good
life, and it was as ordinary as it possibly could have been. Now that Brant and I are old, and almost
close to death, we finally tell our children the truth. Although, they tell us they already know and
they put the puzzle pieces together. We
tell them that it's our hope that they would live to see the day when the war
would come to an end. They tell us their
plan on telling our story when we die, which we both know will be very
soon. It's the hope of my children that
they can end the conflict by telling our story.
"Perhaps if they hear how much you love each other," my
youngest says, "then maybe they'll realize they can love each other too
and end the fighting."
"Perhaps,"
I say with a hopeful smile on my face.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Humbled
Lesson 20: God never ceases to humble me.
As some of you many know, I've been like a roller coaster since Mexico. Sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world, and other times I feel like I'm at the bottom of a very deep pit. A week ago, I was in a pit. I had gotten my email from Hume confirming that I would not be joining them this summer. This, of course, devastated me. And after only two minutes of opening that email, I also received news that the man I love most in this world is leaving for school, for sure. I kept telling myself that everything was okay, that God has me in his arms, and that it's not the end of the world, but the tears kept coming. It was sort of a humbling experience.
Of course I knew rationally that everything would be okay, but I didn't feel that way. I can't help but wonder if that's even remotely close to how Jesus felt. Of course, his case is way more extreme than mine, but think about it. He knew he would win the battle against sin, but when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane I can't imagine He was feeling it (Luke 22:44). I think a lot of people know that everything bad that is happening in their life is temporary, it just doesn't feel that way. In a lot of ways, I think God uses this feeling we have to humble us when we need to humbled. I know I definitely needed to be humbled. I'll be the first to admit that my reasoning for wanting to go to Hume were not right. While I wanted to go to serve others, that definitely wasn't my top reason for going, which is what it should be. God opened my eyes to that. He said (paraphrasing), "Your heart is not right here. You need to fill your heart with me." I had to first admit that my heart was not right and I had to repent. It took me a few days, but I got there.
But God wasn't finished with me. To humble me even more, He did something incredible. Hume Lake called me and offered me a position. I was completely stunned. I waiting two months with this tainted heart and got nothing. I waited two days with a repented heart, and God fulfilled my deepest desires. It was by far, one of the most humbling experiences of my life. I realized that being humbled is an on going process. We must always have a humble mindset, in all our circumstances. Humility cannot just be a one time thing, it must be a daily thing.
As a Sailor Scout... I mean uh... Warrior of God, I must be last if I want to first. How easy it is to forget this lesson, but it's so critical in our walk with the Lord. Sailor Moon always put others first, and through her humble heart she was placed in the highest authority. We must not forget to continue to be humble, even when we are in an authority role. Jesus certainly didn't forget, and neither should we.
God, you never cease to humble me. Thank you for always guiding my heart.
Forever yours,
~Alyssa (SailorD)
"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." ~C.S. Lewis
As some of you many know, I've been like a roller coaster since Mexico. Sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world, and other times I feel like I'm at the bottom of a very deep pit. A week ago, I was in a pit. I had gotten my email from Hume confirming that I would not be joining them this summer. This, of course, devastated me. And after only two minutes of opening that email, I also received news that the man I love most in this world is leaving for school, for sure. I kept telling myself that everything was okay, that God has me in his arms, and that it's not the end of the world, but the tears kept coming. It was sort of a humbling experience.
Of course I knew rationally that everything would be okay, but I didn't feel that way. I can't help but wonder if that's even remotely close to how Jesus felt. Of course, his case is way more extreme than mine, but think about it. He knew he would win the battle against sin, but when He was in the Garden of Gethsemane I can't imagine He was feeling it (Luke 22:44). I think a lot of people know that everything bad that is happening in their life is temporary, it just doesn't feel that way. In a lot of ways, I think God uses this feeling we have to humble us when we need to humbled. I know I definitely needed to be humbled. I'll be the first to admit that my reasoning for wanting to go to Hume were not right. While I wanted to go to serve others, that definitely wasn't my top reason for going, which is what it should be. God opened my eyes to that. He said (paraphrasing), "Your heart is not right here. You need to fill your heart with me." I had to first admit that my heart was not right and I had to repent. It took me a few days, but I got there.
But God wasn't finished with me. To humble me even more, He did something incredible. Hume Lake called me and offered me a position. I was completely stunned. I waiting two months with this tainted heart and got nothing. I waited two days with a repented heart, and God fulfilled my deepest desires. It was by far, one of the most humbling experiences of my life. I realized that being humbled is an on going process. We must always have a humble mindset, in all our circumstances. Humility cannot just be a one time thing, it must be a daily thing.
As a Sailor Scout... I mean uh... Warrior of God, I must be last if I want to first. How easy it is to forget this lesson, but it's so critical in our walk with the Lord. Sailor Moon always put others first, and through her humble heart she was placed in the highest authority. We must not forget to continue to be humble, even when we are in an authority role. Jesus certainly didn't forget, and neither should we.
God, you never cease to humble me. Thank you for always guiding my heart.
Forever yours,
~Alyssa (SailorD)
"Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." ~C.S. Lewis
Friday, April 19, 2013
Desire
Lesson 19: We can't kill our desire.
One of my favorite authors, John Eldredge, constantly speaks of this desire that's built into our hearts (and in fact, he wrote a whole book on the subject matter). I absolutely love the fact that he talks about our desire for adventure and romance. I find myself thinking, "He's right, there is something deep inside of me that desires these things!" I think it's true for all people, we all have these desires deep down. Many people try to push away these desires and bury them away. But if we're speaking honestly, the only people who are truly remembered are the people who decided to act on those desires. Or at least that's my theory.
Anywho, the past few days I've been thinking about the desires of my heart. I remember the first time I heard someone who used the word desire and God together. It was my roommate at Hume Lake. She said, "It's just amazing to me how this all worked out, I love how God just knows the desires of my heart." At the time she was talking about a job position that she had been offered for this coming summer, and it was obvious God had done a little 'meddling' to get her there. I was so happy when God gave her what she desired, but what happens when God doesn't give us our deepest desire? Does He not care?
I felt like that the past few days to be completely honest. It's been about a month since I've seen my best friend, and I've been planning to visit her the past few months. When I requested the time off from work, I was granted that time, but then it was denied a few days later due to lack of employees that could work. I was disappointed to say the least, but I didn't think it was the end of the world. A few more days past and my co-worker informed me that she would be able to cover my shift so I could go. My heart was so overjoyed that I thought this was God giving me my desire. I don't think people understand just how much I desire to see my best friend. She means the world to me and any chance I can get just fills my heart.
Well, after a few days of getting excited again, I received a phone call from the co-worker who said she would take my shift that her grandmother had passed away and the funeral was on Saturday. I knew immediately what that meant: I wouldn't be able to see my best friend. My heart sank. I felt bad for my co-worker, but for a while I was so wrapped up in my own crushed desire. I took a step back and was looking at my heart. I thought, "God, why are you doing this to me? You know how much this means to me! Why did you take away my desire? TWICE." I was upset to say the least.
I turned to God's word and immediately got slapped in the face. I kept reading passages about being a servant to others and if one wants to be first they must be a servant. I also read about how Paul says in his letters that he 'deeply longs to see (insert city)'. If I remember correctly, he never did get the chance to go back visit them (I for the life of me cannot remember the people whom he was speaking to). Point being, God quickly corrected me and told me, "I care about your desires, but it's not about you. It's about loving people who need me. Their needs are more important than your desires." I thought about it and He is right. I have the rest of my life with my best friend, my co-worker only had one more chance to see her grandmother. While I don't consider my desire selfish at all, my thoughts certainly were.
I think people often confuse desire and selfishness. They assume that desire immediately equates selfishness, when that's not always the case. It's our selfish thoughts that make the desire seem selfish. Desire is not a bad thing. One thing I love that John Eldredge points out is that every women has this desire to be pursued. I've talked a little bit about that already I think so I won't go into it, but yeah. I forgot where I was going with that. Well, I guess I still have a lot to learn about my desires, but I'm glad that I have God to always win my heart back!
I love you, Jesus.
~Alyssa (SailorD)
P.S: Has anyone but me noticed I haven't been doing so many Sailor Moon illustrations? I need to get on that.
One of my favorite authors, John Eldredge, constantly speaks of this desire that's built into our hearts (and in fact, he wrote a whole book on the subject matter). I absolutely love the fact that he talks about our desire for adventure and romance. I find myself thinking, "He's right, there is something deep inside of me that desires these things!" I think it's true for all people, we all have these desires deep down. Many people try to push away these desires and bury them away. But if we're speaking honestly, the only people who are truly remembered are the people who decided to act on those desires. Or at least that's my theory.
Anywho, the past few days I've been thinking about the desires of my heart. I remember the first time I heard someone who used the word desire and God together. It was my roommate at Hume Lake. She said, "It's just amazing to me how this all worked out, I love how God just knows the desires of my heart." At the time she was talking about a job position that she had been offered for this coming summer, and it was obvious God had done a little 'meddling' to get her there. I was so happy when God gave her what she desired, but what happens when God doesn't give us our deepest desire? Does He not care?
I felt like that the past few days to be completely honest. It's been about a month since I've seen my best friend, and I've been planning to visit her the past few months. When I requested the time off from work, I was granted that time, but then it was denied a few days later due to lack of employees that could work. I was disappointed to say the least, but I didn't think it was the end of the world. A few more days past and my co-worker informed me that she would be able to cover my shift so I could go. My heart was so overjoyed that I thought this was God giving me my desire. I don't think people understand just how much I desire to see my best friend. She means the world to me and any chance I can get just fills my heart.
Well, after a few days of getting excited again, I received a phone call from the co-worker who said she would take my shift that her grandmother had passed away and the funeral was on Saturday. I knew immediately what that meant: I wouldn't be able to see my best friend. My heart sank. I felt bad for my co-worker, but for a while I was so wrapped up in my own crushed desire. I took a step back and was looking at my heart. I thought, "God, why are you doing this to me? You know how much this means to me! Why did you take away my desire? TWICE." I was upset to say the least.
I turned to God's word and immediately got slapped in the face. I kept reading passages about being a servant to others and if one wants to be first they must be a servant. I also read about how Paul says in his letters that he 'deeply longs to see (insert city)'. If I remember correctly, he never did get the chance to go back visit them (I for the life of me cannot remember the people whom he was speaking to). Point being, God quickly corrected me and told me, "I care about your desires, but it's not about you. It's about loving people who need me. Their needs are more important than your desires." I thought about it and He is right. I have the rest of my life with my best friend, my co-worker only had one more chance to see her grandmother. While I don't consider my desire selfish at all, my thoughts certainly were.
I think people often confuse desire and selfishness. They assume that desire immediately equates selfishness, when that's not always the case. It's our selfish thoughts that make the desire seem selfish. Desire is not a bad thing. One thing I love that John Eldredge points out is that every women has this desire to be pursued. I've talked a little bit about that already I think so I won't go into it, but yeah. I forgot where I was going with that. Well, I guess I still have a lot to learn about my desires, but I'm glad that I have God to always win my heart back!
I love you, Jesus.
~Alyssa (SailorD)
P.S: Has anyone but me noticed I haven't been doing so many Sailor Moon illustrations? I need to get on that.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Playing With Fire
Lesson 18: If you play with sin, you're going to get hurt.
I like to compare sin with fire. You play with it long enough, you're going to get burned. I think a lot of people do things that isn't technically sin, but it's pushing the boundaries. People think, "I can get away with this and it's okay" or "It's not technically sin so it's fine." How long will you push the boundaries until you've finally crossed the line? It's only a matter of time. I'll give a few examples:
The person who says, "A few drinks is no big deal." They wind up passed out on the floor the next morning or regretting something huge.
The person who suppresses anger and bitterness deep into their hearts, and ends up in jail for battery later.
The person who pushes the boundaries of sex, will wake up regretting something they never wanted to do (whether it's the actual sex or a boundary they made for themselves).
The person who thinks, "It's just dinner," ends up cheating because they were in his/her house alone together.
I could come up with several more. Obviously these seem like extreme cases, but are they? Looking back, I made a lot of excuses for myself like, "I can control myself" and what have you. I did a lot things I ended up regretting. Although I can't say I regret it now because it's taught me a lot, I have to admit that if I had a time machine, I would try to prevent it. The only thing I have done by pushing the boundaries of sin is get hurt and hurt other people. How long will I push these boundaries until the line is finally crossed? When friends tell me things sound like boundary pushing, I can't help but be fearful for them and their soul. Boundary pushing with any sin will do no good.
I'm not sure why, but I keep remembering this speaker who I saw a few years back. She was talking specifically about sexual sin and how it's like a fire. In marriage (or the fire place), it's a beautiful thing and it warms you. But outside of that, it brings destruction and hurt. Play with fire long enough, you'll get burned. Play with the boundaries of sin long enough, you'll be broken and hurt.
~Alyssa (Sailor Star Defender)
I like to compare sin with fire. You play with it long enough, you're going to get burned. I think a lot of people do things that isn't technically sin, but it's pushing the boundaries. People think, "I can get away with this and it's okay" or "It's not technically sin so it's fine." How long will you push the boundaries until you've finally crossed the line? It's only a matter of time. I'll give a few examples:
The person who says, "A few drinks is no big deal." They wind up passed out on the floor the next morning or regretting something huge.
The person who suppresses anger and bitterness deep into their hearts, and ends up in jail for battery later.
The person who pushes the boundaries of sex, will wake up regretting something they never wanted to do (whether it's the actual sex or a boundary they made for themselves).
The person who thinks, "It's just dinner," ends up cheating because they were in his/her house alone together.
I could come up with several more. Obviously these seem like extreme cases, but are they? Looking back, I made a lot of excuses for myself like, "I can control myself" and what have you. I did a lot things I ended up regretting. Although I can't say I regret it now because it's taught me a lot, I have to admit that if I had a time machine, I would try to prevent it. The only thing I have done by pushing the boundaries of sin is get hurt and hurt other people. How long will I push these boundaries until the line is finally crossed? When friends tell me things sound like boundary pushing, I can't help but be fearful for them and their soul. Boundary pushing with any sin will do no good.
I'm not sure why, but I keep remembering this speaker who I saw a few years back. She was talking specifically about sexual sin and how it's like a fire. In marriage (or the fire place), it's a beautiful thing and it warms you. But outside of that, it brings destruction and hurt. Play with fire long enough, you'll get burned. Play with the boundaries of sin long enough, you'll be broken and hurt.
~Alyssa (Sailor Star Defender)
Monday, April 1, 2013
Boundaries
Lesson 17: Some friendships need boundaries.
I never thought I would ever say that. Ever. In fact, I was really against this lesson up until a week ago. As some of you know, I went on a mission trip last week to Mexico. I've been looking forward to this trip since it was canceled four years ago. While a lot of good came out of the trip and God obviously worked though us and was very much present, a lot of drama happened that was revolved around me. Well, not all of it was around me, but I was definitely caught in the middle of it. About a month or two ago, I started talking to a friend (who is a boy) from youth group on a daily basis. We became close pretty close and I liked having him around. It was nice having someone around who would always respond to my texts. He was there for me as a good support. I got questioned about our friendship by a few people, but mostly from my youth leader/Timothy leader. People asked what was going on between the two of us and I hated it. I thought, "Geez, can't guys and girls be good friends without people thinking they're together?" I quickly learned the answer was no. During the mission trip, my friend (who I will call Dustin) and I spent a lot of time together just talking about the trip and other things. After only two days I had girls from youth and leaders approaching me about him and asking what was going on. Of course I replied nothing, because in my heart nothing was and is going on. He's a friend, that's it.
It only bothered me a little, but then my ex decided to approach me and let me know that he was jealous of Dustin. I told him to suck it up cause we were just friends (Dustin and I) and there was no reason for him to be jealous. Literally two hours pasts after that until I found out Dustin did start to develop feelings for me and that he was purposefully isolating me from group settings. My belief that guys and girls can be close friends was shattered. I wanted to believe that guys and girls can be close without feelings developing, but I know now that 95 percent of the time that's just not true. At some point, feelings will develop on one side if not both, simple as that. I hate admitting that. I don't know why, but I really do.
Looking back at all of my friends who have close friendships with the opposite sex, it only makes sense. Don't get me wrong, I still think guys and girls can be friends. But close friends? Nope. Of course they can be close, but those feelings will always be there. I hate that I have to restrict my friendship with Dustin because I really do care about him. But I'm doing no favors by continuing the type of friendship we had, it would only lead him on. I understand now why a guy friend of mine freaked out when my ex and I broke up. He said, "This changes our whole friendship. I made you an exception because I'm friends with him too." I hated him for saying that, but now I understand.
Even Serena had to put restrictions on her friendship with Seiya when she found out he liked her. She said, "I'm sorry, we'll always be friends but my heart is with Darien." Although I can't think of any biblical references to support this lesson, I know in my heart it's one of the things God had to teach me this last week. I held onto the belief that true friendship had no boundaries. God forced me to let that go the hard way, and I have a feeling it's something I'm going to struggle with (as far as getting used to it).
Daddy, I pray that you give me the strength I need to stay true to what you have taught me. Have your way with me.
~Alyssa (SailorD)
I never thought I would ever say that. Ever. In fact, I was really against this lesson up until a week ago. As some of you know, I went on a mission trip last week to Mexico. I've been looking forward to this trip since it was canceled four years ago. While a lot of good came out of the trip and God obviously worked though us and was very much present, a lot of drama happened that was revolved around me. Well, not all of it was around me, but I was definitely caught in the middle of it. About a month or two ago, I started talking to a friend (who is a boy) from youth group on a daily basis. We became close pretty close and I liked having him around. It was nice having someone around who would always respond to my texts. He was there for me as a good support. I got questioned about our friendship by a few people, but mostly from my youth leader/Timothy leader. People asked what was going on between the two of us and I hated it. I thought, "Geez, can't guys and girls be good friends without people thinking they're together?" I quickly learned the answer was no. During the mission trip, my friend (who I will call Dustin) and I spent a lot of time together just talking about the trip and other things. After only two days I had girls from youth and leaders approaching me about him and asking what was going on. Of course I replied nothing, because in my heart nothing was and is going on. He's a friend, that's it.
It only bothered me a little, but then my ex decided to approach me and let me know that he was jealous of Dustin. I told him to suck it up cause we were just friends (Dustin and I) and there was no reason for him to be jealous. Literally two hours pasts after that until I found out Dustin did start to develop feelings for me and that he was purposefully isolating me from group settings. My belief that guys and girls can be close friends was shattered. I wanted to believe that guys and girls can be close without feelings developing, but I know now that 95 percent of the time that's just not true. At some point, feelings will develop on one side if not both, simple as that. I hate admitting that. I don't know why, but I really do.
Looking back at all of my friends who have close friendships with the opposite sex, it only makes sense. Don't get me wrong, I still think guys and girls can be friends. But close friends? Nope. Of course they can be close, but those feelings will always be there. I hate that I have to restrict my friendship with Dustin because I really do care about him. But I'm doing no favors by continuing the type of friendship we had, it would only lead him on. I understand now why a guy friend of mine freaked out when my ex and I broke up. He said, "This changes our whole friendship. I made you an exception because I'm friends with him too." I hated him for saying that, but now I understand.
Even Serena had to put restrictions on her friendship with Seiya when she found out he liked her. She said, "I'm sorry, we'll always be friends but my heart is with Darien." Although I can't think of any biblical references to support this lesson, I know in my heart it's one of the things God had to teach me this last week. I held onto the belief that true friendship had no boundaries. God forced me to let that go the hard way, and I have a feeling it's something I'm going to struggle with (as far as getting used to it).
Daddy, I pray that you give me the strength I need to stay true to what you have taught me. Have your way with me.
~Alyssa (SailorD)
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Love Story
Lesson Sixteen: We have a perfect Love Story.
Some of the things I plan on writing somewhat go with my last post. But God can't stop pounding this point in my head, so I feel the need to write on what He's telling me.
Yesterday concluded the end of the Love Series at my youth group. I always did hate love month. When I was single it was because it reminded me of what I didn't have (a boyfriend). When I was in a relationship, I was reminded that I've screwed up and need to repent. Now, it seems like another painful reminder that I gave up someone who I love and who everyone would describe as the 'perfect guy'. During our small groups, the girls starting talking about what think the perfect love story is. Some said things like, "I want to meet my true love in high school and be high school sweethearts," or "I want to fall in love at first sight" or even, "I'm going to wait for God to tell me who I'm going to marry."
While things like that do happen, I couldn't help but wonder, "Why do we want that?" Why is it that we want a perfect love story? I think people often times pass up dates or taking a chance because it doesn't fit their ideal love story. How sad. What is wrong with just simply meeting someone, falling in love, and then simply getting married and growing old together? Why does it have to be a perfect love story where God makes it so clear, or we meet the one early on, etc etc? No offense to anyone who believes any of the things I've mentioned, but really? You're waiting for failure and a long life of singleness.
But yesterday as I was driving home, I realized we already have the perfect love story. Jesus. He showed the greatest love to all of us and it's the perfect love story. He died and conquered sin, just so we could be with Him. I always love it when my pastor refers to the Bible as Love Letters. It's so profound and sweet. I think we often times pass up opportunities with people because we expect our love story with our spouse to be just as amazing as Jesus' love story to us. It won't be. Not even close. I can't expect a knight or prince to just come and find me like Jesus did. If I've discovered anything, it's that love comes unexpectedly. I didn't expect Jesus to love me, but He does. So I shouldn't expect this perfect love story on Earth, I've already got one. Besides, when I marry the person I'm meant to be with, it won't matter how we got there. I'm there, that's all that matters.
~Alyssa (SailorD)
Yes, yes. No Sailor Moon illustration. Anime's always manage to make every love story cute so it doesn't work for this post haha!
Some of the things I plan on writing somewhat go with my last post. But God can't stop pounding this point in my head, so I feel the need to write on what He's telling me.
Yesterday concluded the end of the Love Series at my youth group. I always did hate love month. When I was single it was because it reminded me of what I didn't have (a boyfriend). When I was in a relationship, I was reminded that I've screwed up and need to repent. Now, it seems like another painful reminder that I gave up someone who I love and who everyone would describe as the 'perfect guy'. During our small groups, the girls starting talking about what think the perfect love story is. Some said things like, "I want to meet my true love in high school and be high school sweethearts," or "I want to fall in love at first sight" or even, "I'm going to wait for God to tell me who I'm going to marry."
While things like that do happen, I couldn't help but wonder, "Why do we want that?" Why is it that we want a perfect love story? I think people often times pass up dates or taking a chance because it doesn't fit their ideal love story. How sad. What is wrong with just simply meeting someone, falling in love, and then simply getting married and growing old together? Why does it have to be a perfect love story where God makes it so clear, or we meet the one early on, etc etc? No offense to anyone who believes any of the things I've mentioned, but really? You're waiting for failure and a long life of singleness.
But yesterday as I was driving home, I realized we already have the perfect love story. Jesus. He showed the greatest love to all of us and it's the perfect love story. He died and conquered sin, just so we could be with Him. I always love it when my pastor refers to the Bible as Love Letters. It's so profound and sweet. I think we often times pass up opportunities with people because we expect our love story with our spouse to be just as amazing as Jesus' love story to us. It won't be. Not even close. I can't expect a knight or prince to just come and find me like Jesus did. If I've discovered anything, it's that love comes unexpectedly. I didn't expect Jesus to love me, but He does. So I shouldn't expect this perfect love story on Earth, I've already got one. Besides, when I marry the person I'm meant to be with, it won't matter how we got there. I'm there, that's all that matters.
~Alyssa (SailorD)
Yes, yes. No Sailor Moon illustration. Anime's always manage to make every love story cute so it doesn't work for this post haha!
Friday, March 8, 2013
Stop Searching
Lesson 15: I need to stop searching and focus on God.
I feel like it's been a while since I've written on here. I've been busy with school and the move to my new condo that I haven't really had time to just sit and write. At least that's what it feels like. Anywho, this lesson has been very real in my life, but I was reminded of it greatly yesterday while I was moving.
I believe I've mentioned before that I have a hard time letting go of my future. I like things to be planned out and I like planning for my future. I think it's fun! But it also shows a big insecurity in me. I don't like focusing on the here and now. I'm constantly searching for the puzzle pieces to complete my story. Why am I in such a rush to complete my puzzle? There's so much life to live and for some reason I want to skip it! Perhaps I'm scared of the pain that comes with life, but I know deep down that the joy I will feel and God's strength will far outweigh the pain.
Well, yesterday I was painful reminded that I'm still dependent. As independent as I try to appear, deep down I long to be dependent on someone. When I was in a relationship, I depended on him so much that I almost replaced God with him. I think that's when I also became depressed. I switched my reliance on God to a reliance on a person. People disappoint us. Simple truth. While my ex was absolutely incredible and he was there for me, there was only so much he could do. He couldn't do what God does, so why did I expect him to?
So here I am, single and so desperately wanting to rely on someone. You know, I was able to convince myself that I was okay with being single for a while. But if I'm completely honest, I'm not. It wasn't until I was finally able to admit that yesterday that God began to speak to my heart again. I need to protect my heart and rely on God, not a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, of course I should trust people and share my thoughts and concerns, but I shouldn't rely on them. To often when I'm hurt, I go to others immediately instead of consulting God first. I bet if I did that first, I wouldn't have to go to people as often as I do. In fact, I know that's true. Happened at Hume a couple of times.
Back to my original point (on the title), I felt God urging me to Stop Searching. At first I was like, "What the heck?" But it made sense as I meditated on it. When I became a Christian, I wasn't searching for God when we meet. I wasn't looking to be saved. When I accepted Jesus, I accepted Him because I realized I needed him. He found me. Going back to my puzzle illustration, often times when I'm looking for that one puzzle piece I can never find it until I've given up and start looking for another one or better yet when I look at the whole puzzle. Generally speaking, we never find what we're looking for when we search for it. It's when our guard is down that we 'find' it.
Cheezy Sailor Moon illustration starts here: Serena wasn't looking for Darren when she found him. She wasn't looking for love when she found that. She wasn't looking for answers when she found those. She was focusing on the Good Fight. She was fighting for love and justice when those things appeared to her (episode 30!). Just as it is with Sailor Moon, I need to be fighting for God, focusing my attention on his will and on Heaven, then those things will come to be too.
Abba, here I am. I know I stray away from your path many times, but your light and gentle hand always guides me back. Thank you.
~Alyssa (SSD)
P.S: Rereading this post, it seems a little scatter-brained to me. Whatever, deal with it.
I feel like it's been a while since I've written on here. I've been busy with school and the move to my new condo that I haven't really had time to just sit and write. At least that's what it feels like. Anywho, this lesson has been very real in my life, but I was reminded of it greatly yesterday while I was moving.
I believe I've mentioned before that I have a hard time letting go of my future. I like things to be planned out and I like planning for my future. I think it's fun! But it also shows a big insecurity in me. I don't like focusing on the here and now. I'm constantly searching for the puzzle pieces to complete my story. Why am I in such a rush to complete my puzzle? There's so much life to live and for some reason I want to skip it! Perhaps I'm scared of the pain that comes with life, but I know deep down that the joy I will feel and God's strength will far outweigh the pain.
Well, yesterday I was painful reminded that I'm still dependent. As independent as I try to appear, deep down I long to be dependent on someone. When I was in a relationship, I depended on him so much that I almost replaced God with him. I think that's when I also became depressed. I switched my reliance on God to a reliance on a person. People disappoint us. Simple truth. While my ex was absolutely incredible and he was there for me, there was only so much he could do. He couldn't do what God does, so why did I expect him to?
So here I am, single and so desperately wanting to rely on someone. You know, I was able to convince myself that I was okay with being single for a while. But if I'm completely honest, I'm not. It wasn't until I was finally able to admit that yesterday that God began to speak to my heart again. I need to protect my heart and rely on God, not a boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, of course I should trust people and share my thoughts and concerns, but I shouldn't rely on them. To often when I'm hurt, I go to others immediately instead of consulting God first. I bet if I did that first, I wouldn't have to go to people as often as I do. In fact, I know that's true. Happened at Hume a couple of times.
Back to my original point (on the title), I felt God urging me to Stop Searching. At first I was like, "What the heck?" But it made sense as I meditated on it. When I became a Christian, I wasn't searching for God when we meet. I wasn't looking to be saved. When I accepted Jesus, I accepted Him because I realized I needed him. He found me. Going back to my puzzle illustration, often times when I'm looking for that one puzzle piece I can never find it until I've given up and start looking for another one or better yet when I look at the whole puzzle. Generally speaking, we never find what we're looking for when we search for it. It's when our guard is down that we 'find' it.
Cheezy Sailor Moon illustration starts here: Serena wasn't looking for Darren when she found him. She wasn't looking for love when she found that. She wasn't looking for answers when she found those. She was focusing on the Good Fight. She was fighting for love and justice when those things appeared to her (episode 30!). Just as it is with Sailor Moon, I need to be fighting for God, focusing my attention on his will and on Heaven, then those things will come to be too.
Abba, here I am. I know I stray away from your path many times, but your light and gentle hand always guides me back. Thank you.
~Alyssa (SSD)
P.S: Rereading this post, it seems a little scatter-brained to me. Whatever, deal with it.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Confrontation
Lesson fourteen: Confrontation is hard.
You know, I always considered myself a pacifist. I was always a people pleaser and I did just about anything to avoid conflict. Part of me did that because I was just shy and another part of me did that because I thought it was Biblical. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God" (Matt. 5:9). While that Bible verse stands true, it's definitely not saying people should never confront one another like I thought it did. I was a pacifist.... and then I became a manager.
Now? I can confront someone with no problem. I'm not afraid to speak my mind and I don't care if that makes me the "Bad Guy". I remember the first time I wrote someone up, I was so nervous that I doubted I could be a manager. But as time has passed, I've learned that it's okay to confront people as long as you do it with love and kindness. While I've managed to pretty much master the confrontation part, I have yet to learn to do it completely in love and kindness. I hate to admit it, but I'm kind of mean when I confront people, especially my employees. It's so hard to be kind to people who take advantage of kindness, you know? They assume because you're being kind that you don't really mean what you're saying to them, or at least that's been my experience. I think I eventually got done with being nice, and just stopped caring what people thought about me (that's another reason I was a pacifist). I'm don't care that people are talking crap about me, I only confront people when I know something isn't right and it needs to be corrected. If people are going to talk about me because I'm doing my job, then go right ahead.
It's not my job to please people, so don't get mad at me for doing what is my job. "Am I trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ" (Galatians 1:10). I'll admit, part of my heart breaks when I hear people don't like me or talk badly about me. I don't think of myself as a hard person to get along with, but I also feel guilty because I feel I must have done something that doesn't please God or show His love to others. I just need to keep reminding myself when I confront people to do it out of kindness and gentleness.
This reminds me of the episode when Serena confronts Molly about a guy she likes. While it's different from some of the things I've mentioned, the application is still the same. It was extremely difficult for Serena to tell Molly how she felt about the situation, but she ultimately did it out of love. I can think of a million examples where the Scouts face this issue, but it always comes down to them doing it out of love and kindness. I love how kind and gentle the Scout's hearts are, it's one of the reasons I look up to them.
Lord, my prayer is that you clean my heart and fill it with your spirit. When I'm correcting someone (whether it be at work or friends), let it be with the same gentle heart as your Son. I know I don't always set a good example of you, and I pray that you'll make me more like you. I love you Daddy.
~Alyssa
P.S: I apologize, this post is slightly a work rant post, can you tell???
You know, I always considered myself a pacifist. I was always a people pleaser and I did just about anything to avoid conflict. Part of me did that because I was just shy and another part of me did that because I thought it was Biblical. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God" (Matt. 5:9). While that Bible verse stands true, it's definitely not saying people should never confront one another like I thought it did. I was a pacifist.... and then I became a manager.
Now? I can confront someone with no problem. I'm not afraid to speak my mind and I don't care if that makes me the "Bad Guy". I remember the first time I wrote someone up, I was so nervous that I doubted I could be a manager. But as time has passed, I've learned that it's okay to confront people as long as you do it with love and kindness. While I've managed to pretty much master the confrontation part, I have yet to learn to do it completely in love and kindness. I hate to admit it, but I'm kind of mean when I confront people, especially my employees. It's so hard to be kind to people who take advantage of kindness, you know? They assume because you're being kind that you don't really mean what you're saying to them, or at least that's been my experience. I think I eventually got done with being nice, and just stopped caring what people thought about me (that's another reason I was a pacifist). I'm don't care that people are talking crap about me, I only confront people when I know something isn't right and it needs to be corrected. If people are going to talk about me because I'm doing my job, then go right ahead.
It's not my job to please people, so don't get mad at me for doing what is my job. "Am I trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ" (Galatians 1:10). I'll admit, part of my heart breaks when I hear people don't like me or talk badly about me. I don't think of myself as a hard person to get along with, but I also feel guilty because I feel I must have done something that doesn't please God or show His love to others. I just need to keep reminding myself when I confront people to do it out of kindness and gentleness.
This reminds me of the episode when Serena confronts Molly about a guy she likes. While it's different from some of the things I've mentioned, the application is still the same. It was extremely difficult for Serena to tell Molly how she felt about the situation, but she ultimately did it out of love. I can think of a million examples where the Scouts face this issue, but it always comes down to them doing it out of love and kindness. I love how kind and gentle the Scout's hearts are, it's one of the reasons I look up to them.
Lord, my prayer is that you clean my heart and fill it with your spirit. When I'm correcting someone (whether it be at work or friends), let it be with the same gentle heart as your Son. I know I don't always set a good example of you, and I pray that you'll make me more like you. I love you Daddy.
~Alyssa
P.S: I apologize, this post is slightly a work rant post, can you tell???
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
The Unknown
Lesson 13: The Unknown is scary, but it is also an adventure.
You know what I've noticed? People always say they want change, but it's also one of their biggest fears. "I want to move out, but I'm scared of being on my own or the finances" or "I want to pursue this career and quit my job, but it's too risky," or "I want to be with someone, but I don't want to mess it up what we have," or "I want to tell my friend about Jesus, but I'm worried it will ruin our friendship." Leaving what is familiar is an extremely rough thing to do. I believe we as humans love what is familiar and comfortable, but deep down we also hate it. We long for a wild adventure, but we're too scared to go out and do it. We worry that if we do what it unknown, we'll lose what is familiar forever. Chances are, you will. That was one reason it took me so long to let go of my boyfriend was because we had been together for so long, just his voice and presencewas is comforting. I often think of how it is would be just to go back, but I know I can't.
God has called me into this adventure into the unknown. I don't know what he's doing, but he's guiding me in the dark. All we have is a small lamp (Psalm 119:105), only showing me enough light to get by. God knows where He's going, the lamp is merely a symbol of hope for me. I wish I could see further ahead, but God keeps whispering, "It's a surprise."
A was asked the other day by a deaf friend of mine what I want to do after I graduate. In all honesty? I couldn't answer him (and it wasn't because I didn't know how to sign it!). I thought, "I don't know? Get a job? Get married? Have kids?" Seems like a basic answer. Too be honest, I know even know if I want the latter two after I graduate. Don't get me wrong, I want those things. God has imprinted those things on my heart so deeply, but I just don't know anymore. I can't plan for something like that to happen right after I graduate (I tried that, and look where that ended!). Whatever God wants will happen. I'm scared of what this year will bring and is bringing. Here I am, single and getting ready to move out in a month. WHAT?! If I told myself that a year ago I would would have laughed and said, "You're crazy!" And perhaps there is some truth to that.
As I was writing this, I thought of how the Sailor Scouts handle the Unknown. In the English dub, a phrase they constantly repeat when in battle against someone new is, "Guys, I don't like this." Only seems natural that they hate going against something they aren't familiar with. Isn't the same true for us? When we come across something new or go through a major change our first thought is, "I don't like this." For example, going to Hume was one of the hardest changes I had to go through. All I kept thinking was, "I don't like this, I want to go home where it's safe and comfortable." But once I tackled it, I came to find that I liked the change. I think in order to experience growth we need change and to have faith as we wonder into the Unknown (Random, but I keep thinking of the Pokemon "Unknown" now since I keep upper casing that word. I'm so weird). Although the Unknown scares me, I know my Abba is leading me and he won't let me fall.
With all I am,
~Alyssa (SSD)
You know what I've noticed? People always say they want change, but it's also one of their biggest fears. "I want to move out, but I'm scared of being on my own or the finances" or "I want to pursue this career and quit my job, but it's too risky," or "I want to be with someone, but I don't want to mess it up what we have," or "I want to tell my friend about Jesus, but I'm worried it will ruin our friendship." Leaving what is familiar is an extremely rough thing to do. I believe we as humans love what is familiar and comfortable, but deep down we also hate it. We long for a wild adventure, but we're too scared to go out and do it. We worry that if we do what it unknown, we'll lose what is familiar forever. Chances are, you will. That was one reason it took me so long to let go of my boyfriend was because we had been together for so long, just his voice and presence
God has called me into this adventure into the unknown. I don't know what he's doing, but he's guiding me in the dark. All we have is a small lamp (Psalm 119:105), only showing me enough light to get by. God knows where He's going, the lamp is merely a symbol of hope for me. I wish I could see further ahead, but God keeps whispering, "It's a surprise."
A was asked the other day by a deaf friend of mine what I want to do after I graduate. In all honesty? I couldn't answer him (and it wasn't because I didn't know how to sign it!). I thought, "I don't know? Get a job? Get married? Have kids?" Seems like a basic answer. Too be honest, I know even know if I want the latter two after I graduate. Don't get me wrong, I want those things. God has imprinted those things on my heart so deeply, but I just don't know anymore. I can't plan for something like that to happen right after I graduate (I tried that, and look where that ended!). Whatever God wants will happen. I'm scared of what this year will bring and is bringing. Here I am, single and getting ready to move out in a month. WHAT?! If I told myself that a year ago I would would have laughed and said, "You're crazy!" And perhaps there is some truth to that.
As I was writing this, I thought of how the Sailor Scouts handle the Unknown. In the English dub, a phrase they constantly repeat when in battle against someone new is, "Guys, I don't like this." Only seems natural that they hate going against something they aren't familiar with. Isn't the same true for us? When we come across something new or go through a major change our first thought is, "I don't like this." For example, going to Hume was one of the hardest changes I had to go through. All I kept thinking was, "I don't like this, I want to go home where it's safe and comfortable." But once I tackled it, I came to find that I liked the change. I think in order to experience growth we need change and to have faith as we wonder into the Unknown (Random, but I keep thinking of the Pokemon "Unknown" now since I keep upper casing that word. I'm so weird). Although the Unknown scares me, I know my Abba is leading me and he won't let me fall.
With all I am,
~Alyssa (SSD)
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Bravery
Lesson Number Twelve: I need to be brave.
You know, I don't consider myself a very 'brave' person. Whenever I think of brave, I think, "A knight who is on his way to conquer the fire breathing dragon to save his princess." But I've come to learn that brave is so much more than the heroic term of brave (don't get me wrong, that's still a huge part!). I've come to find that being brave simply means to do something out of your comfort zone. Perhaps you (whoever you is) may have a different definition (and that's okay!), but this is what I believe. Let me explain.
The kid who stands up to the bully at school, he's brave, right? Well, why is he brave? "Well, he stood up for other people!" Yes, that's true. But it's so much more than that. He went out of his comfort zone to confront this bully. Did this kid want to do it? Did he feel comfortable standing up for himself and the school? Probably not. At least I imagine him not. To me, that's what makes this kid brave. The fact that he went outside of what was comfortable to do what was right.
On the less obvious side, I would also say that the person who gives up something valuable to them, but they know is bad or wrong is brave. Like, the person who quits smoking or other drugs. They are very brave in my eyes. They are giving up what makes them comfortable or relaxes them. This might be a poor example, but you get my point.
Now this leads to me. God has been asking me to be very brave lately. I keep finding myself wanting to go back to what's comfortable, but he's telling me "Be brave, you will get through this. I'm here." What more could I ever need than to have my Daddy tell me that? He's so encouraging! With his strength, I can be brave and I don't have to hide. And I have all my wonderful friends that he's blessed me with! I often forget how lucky I am (I really need to stop that).
The Sailor Scouts are spot on for this lesson. Almost every episode, the scouts are encouraging each other to Be Brave, whether it's fighting the bad guys or taking a test or confessing to a guy. That's definitely something I need to work on. I consider myself a pretty encouraging person, but I need to tell my friends this lesson of Being Brave. Being brave is almost never easy (I would probably even make the argument it's never easy). Haha, that famous quote from Lion King keeps popping into my head. "I'm only Brave when I have to be. Simba, being brave doesn't mean you go looking for trouble." Kind of random, kind of not. Well, I'll end here. Thank you Abba, for making me brave and giving me the strength to be brave.
~Alyssa (Sailor Star Defender)
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Letting go
Lesson 11: I need to let go, and let God.
Huh. What can I say about this lesson? Well, it's made a huge impact in my life, as I'm sure it has with every Follower of Christ. First, I had to let go of my life and say it's for Him. Then, I had to surrender the little and big things in my life. For example, I had a hard time letting go of my anger towards someone. Forgiving him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and it required me to let go. Every time I thought I let go, I second guessed myself and pulled the weight back in. Until finally, I had enough and I was done with being angry. The only person it was affecting was myself and the people who cared so much about me and prayed for me. I finally let go, and let God.
Since then (oh, three/four years ago?), I thought I was pretty good at this lesson. I didn't have a whole lot of trouble letting go, except for friendships. I had (still do) a hard time letting go of friends. I've lost so many that it takes me a long time to let go of them. The Scouts never had to let go of each other, why the heck can't I find someone who will stick with me no matter what? It took me over 6 years to realize that my best friend wasn't my best friend anymore. How sad is that? Anywho, that leads us to today. About 6 months ago, I let go of the best thing that had happened to me since Jesus saved me, my boyfriend. I didn't want to, and I ignored God's calling to let him go for 6-8 months. It took 3 months at Hume for God to finally say, "Enough, listen to me. Obey what I am telling you, I will take care of you."
After the most painful hour and half phone call, and three days of nearly starving myself, I did it. I let him go... as my boyfriend, and only as my boyfriend. Okay, and it took me about a month to finally accept that he was no longer my boyfriend. And you know what? I surprised myself. After that short month, I was okay with him not being my boyfriend. I was okay with just being friends. But, I was not okay with letting him go all together. Heck, I'm still not. I love him, and he's the best friend I've ever had. I told him everything (everything up until 6 months ago that is). I held nothing back from him and neither did he. I loved that I didn't have to hide anything, he was the first person I could do that with. So now, here I am and God's call to let him go as a friend is stronger than ever. It's not something I can ignore. I need to let him go, for his sake and mine. I just pray that God will be with him and comfort him, since I won't be able to anymore. If you ever read this (doubt he will), I love you and whoever you end up with is a very lucky girl. I wish she was me, more than you know, but wishing hard for something doesn't make it true. Thank you for being the best friend and boyfriend to me.
God. You wanted me, all of me. Well, here I am. Use me.
~Alyssa (SSD)
Huh. What can I say about this lesson? Well, it's made a huge impact in my life, as I'm sure it has with every Follower of Christ. First, I had to let go of my life and say it's for Him. Then, I had to surrender the little and big things in my life. For example, I had a hard time letting go of my anger towards someone. Forgiving him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and it required me to let go. Every time I thought I let go, I second guessed myself and pulled the weight back in. Until finally, I had enough and I was done with being angry. The only person it was affecting was myself and the people who cared so much about me and prayed for me. I finally let go, and let God.
Since then (oh, three/four years ago?), I thought I was pretty good at this lesson. I didn't have a whole lot of trouble letting go, except for friendships. I had (still do) a hard time letting go of friends. I've lost so many that it takes me a long time to let go of them. The Scouts never had to let go of each other, why the heck can't I find someone who will stick with me no matter what? It took me over 6 years to realize that my best friend wasn't my best friend anymore. How sad is that? Anywho, that leads us to today. About 6 months ago, I let go of the best thing that had happened to me since Jesus saved me, my boyfriend. I didn't want to, and I ignored God's calling to let him go for 6-8 months. It took 3 months at Hume for God to finally say, "Enough, listen to me. Obey what I am telling you, I will take care of you."
After the most painful hour and half phone call, and three days of nearly starving myself, I did it. I let him go... as my boyfriend, and only as my boyfriend. Okay, and it took me about a month to finally accept that he was no longer my boyfriend. And you know what? I surprised myself. After that short month, I was okay with him not being my boyfriend. I was okay with just being friends. But, I was not okay with letting him go all together. Heck, I'm still not. I love him, and he's the best friend I've ever had. I told him everything (everything up until 6 months ago that is). I held nothing back from him and neither did he. I loved that I didn't have to hide anything, he was the first person I could do that with. So now, here I am and God's call to let him go as a friend is stronger than ever. It's not something I can ignore. I need to let him go, for his sake and mine. I just pray that God will be with him and comfort him, since I won't be able to anymore. If you ever read this (doubt he will), I love you and whoever you end up with is a very lucky girl. I wish she was me, more than you know, but wishing hard for something doesn't make it true. Thank you for being the best friend and boyfriend to me.
God. You wanted me, all of me. Well, here I am. Use me.
~Alyssa (SSD)
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
Do Not Worry
Lesson Ten: Do Not Worry
Worrying. Yeah, I tend to do that... a lot. I'll be the first to admit, worrying is one of my greatest weakness. I know that it shows a lack of trust in God to worry, but sometimes I do it without even thinking. I don't even realize that what I'm feeling is worry until I say it out loud. It's something as a follower in Christ and a Sailor Scout in training that I'm continuously working on. Heck, I think I could argue everyone has this issue and is working on it (okay, a good majority of people), but that still doesn't give us the excuse. It says clearly in the Bible (Matthew 6:25-34) not to worry.
Something I've noticed about myself is that I don't tend to worry about objects or things. I worry about people. Whenever someone is going through a hard time, I worry about them (how their doing, what God is doing with them, etc.). Like I said, a lot of times I do unconsciously and I don't usually realize it until someone points it out to me. I also worry very little about myself. Even if I'm the one more hurt from a situation, I worry more about that person's feelings. I'll be honest, I feel like it's almost an insult not to worry about someone. If I didn't, I feel like it's saying "I don't care about you and your situation."
But something God has shown me is that reminiscing and worrying isn't the solution. You can still care about that person and not worry. It's called Compassion. Instead of worrying about people, we need to show more compassion towards them. What I mean by compassion is saying, "I want you to know that I care about you and I'm thinking of you. I'm here to help in any way I can." Whereas worry says, "I hope you'll be okay and God will take care of you." Hope? God is taking care of the weary, of the hurt, and the broken. There's no need to hope for what is already being done. "To worry is to believe that God will fail." Worry shows a lack of trust in God and it's something I need to work on. I have trust issues (just like many people in the world), and my worry clearly points that out.
Even the Sailor Scouts worry, it's not something anyone is perfect at. It seems like in every episode, a Scout is saying to another Scout, "Do not worry." Most of the time it's about defeating the bad guys, but a lot of times it's about little things too, like passing a test. Now, this isn't saying that we all just need to let lose and never care. We should care about things, it's what motivates us to get stuff done and move on in our day, but it shouldn't control our lives to where nothing good comes from it.
Abba, help me overcome my worry and my lack of trust. I know you hold us all in your loving arms, so I do not need to worry. Your will is what I want, no matter what that means. I don't want to worry about my future anymore, it's too painful and it consumes my thoughts. Take it away.
~Alyssa (SSD)
Worrying. Yeah, I tend to do that... a lot. I'll be the first to admit, worrying is one of my greatest weakness. I know that it shows a lack of trust in God to worry, but sometimes I do it without even thinking. I don't even realize that what I'm feeling is worry until I say it out loud. It's something as a follower in Christ and a Sailor Scout in training that I'm continuously working on. Heck, I think I could argue everyone has this issue and is working on it (okay, a good majority of people), but that still doesn't give us the excuse. It says clearly in the Bible (Matthew 6:25-34) not to worry.
Something I've noticed about myself is that I don't tend to worry about objects or things. I worry about people. Whenever someone is going through a hard time, I worry about them (how their doing, what God is doing with them, etc.). Like I said, a lot of times I do unconsciously and I don't usually realize it until someone points it out to me. I also worry very little about myself. Even if I'm the one more hurt from a situation, I worry more about that person's feelings. I'll be honest, I feel like it's almost an insult not to worry about someone. If I didn't, I feel like it's saying "I don't care about you and your situation."
But something God has shown me is that reminiscing and worrying isn't the solution. You can still care about that person and not worry. It's called Compassion. Instead of worrying about people, we need to show more compassion towards them. What I mean by compassion is saying, "I want you to know that I care about you and I'm thinking of you. I'm here to help in any way I can." Whereas worry says, "I hope you'll be okay and God will take care of you." Hope? God is taking care of the weary, of the hurt, and the broken. There's no need to hope for what is already being done. "To worry is to believe that God will fail." Worry shows a lack of trust in God and it's something I need to work on. I have trust issues (just like many people in the world), and my worry clearly points that out.
Even the Sailor Scouts worry, it's not something anyone is perfect at. It seems like in every episode, a Scout is saying to another Scout, "Do not worry." Most of the time it's about defeating the bad guys, but a lot of times it's about little things too, like passing a test. Now, this isn't saying that we all just need to let lose and never care. We should care about things, it's what motivates us to get stuff done and move on in our day, but it shouldn't control our lives to where nothing good comes from it.
Abba, help me overcome my worry and my lack of trust. I know you hold us all in your loving arms, so I do not need to worry. Your will is what I want, no matter what that means. I don't want to worry about my future anymore, it's too painful and it consumes my thoughts. Take it away.
~Alyssa (SSD)
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Justice
Lesson 9: God is a just God.
It wasn't until a year into my walk with Christ that I began to grasp this concept. I heard the speech, "Accept Jesus into your life because you need him and you're a sinner." I got that, but that was about it. I kept thinking to myself, "But why did He have to die? Especially on the cross? Why?" And forget about the Old Testament, I had no clue what that was about. I was honestly told just to read the New Testament because it's all I needed to know. What a load of CRAP. Anyone who tells you not to read the Old Testament doesn't understand the importance of it. The Old Testament explains why Jesus had to come. It explains His whole purpose, it's His back-story.
I remember the specific time in which I finally began to realize the important of the Old Testament. I was on a winter retreat at Hume Lake with my church and Danny Strange was speaking on the Prophet Elijah. Danny Strange said (in summary), "A price had to be paid for our sins, that's why that sacrificed animals in the Old Testament. But it wasn't enough to pay the price. God is a just God, that's why He sent Jesus. So that, our sins could be paid for and we could be forgiven." If God was only merciful, then there would be no need for Jesus. Heck, the commandment would be worthless! Romans 6:23 says, "The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."
As merciful as God is, He is also just and I think a lot of people forget that. He is the Judge, not us. "He deserves death because he killed/raped all those women!" or "She deserved to die because she aborted her child/did drugs/etc." This could quickly turn into a political rant, so I'll just end with this: we all deserve death, but He gives us Jesus. On the flip side, "If God is so loving and merciful, how could he allow bad things to happen to good people?" That's assuming there's a good person! Everyone has done wrong and the only person who did no wrong died because of free will and justice.
People love justice, when it's someone else receiving it. When they're getting disciplined or punished, suddenly we wish for grace. It cracks me up that people only wish grace for themselves and justice on others. "Oh, but it's different because there sin is SO much worse than mine." Guess what? All sin is the same in God's eyes. Everyone (myself included) need to start seeing things through the Judges eyes and not the eyes of the world. Learning that God is a just God is one of the best lessons I learned cause it broadened my eyes to who God is.
Sailor Moon is a perfect example of someone who fights for Justice. HECK! She even explicitly says that's what she fights for 200 times (get it, once each episode... yeah.) She fights and "punishes" those who do wrong, but she's also very merciful. Anyone who repents, she's quick to forgive. But when if it comes down to it, she will fight the pure evil to protect the rest of the world.
Help me see the world through your eyes, Abba.
~Sailor Star Defender (Alyssa)
It wasn't until a year into my walk with Christ that I began to grasp this concept. I heard the speech, "Accept Jesus into your life because you need him and you're a sinner." I got that, but that was about it. I kept thinking to myself, "But why did He have to die? Especially on the cross? Why?" And forget about the Old Testament, I had no clue what that was about. I was honestly told just to read the New Testament because it's all I needed to know. What a load of CRAP. Anyone who tells you not to read the Old Testament doesn't understand the importance of it. The Old Testament explains why Jesus had to come. It explains His whole purpose, it's His back-story.
I remember the specific time in which I finally began to realize the important of the Old Testament. I was on a winter retreat at Hume Lake with my church and Danny Strange was speaking on the Prophet Elijah. Danny Strange said (in summary), "A price had to be paid for our sins, that's why that sacrificed animals in the Old Testament. But it wasn't enough to pay the price. God is a just God, that's why He sent Jesus. So that, our sins could be paid for and we could be forgiven." If God was only merciful, then there would be no need for Jesus. Heck, the commandment would be worthless! Romans 6:23 says, "The wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."
As merciful as God is, He is also just and I think a lot of people forget that. He is the Judge, not us. "He deserves death because he killed/raped all those women!" or "She deserved to die because she aborted her child/did drugs/etc." This could quickly turn into a political rant, so I'll just end with this: we all deserve death, but He gives us Jesus. On the flip side, "If God is so loving and merciful, how could he allow bad things to happen to good people?" That's assuming there's a good person! Everyone has done wrong and the only person who did no wrong died because of free will and justice.
People love justice, when it's someone else receiving it. When they're getting disciplined or punished, suddenly we wish for grace. It cracks me up that people only wish grace for themselves and justice on others. "Oh, but it's different because there sin is SO much worse than mine." Guess what? All sin is the same in God's eyes. Everyone (myself included) need to start seeing things through the Judges eyes and not the eyes of the world. Learning that God is a just God is one of the best lessons I learned cause it broadened my eyes to who God is.
Sailor Moon is a perfect example of someone who fights for Justice. HECK! She even explicitly says that's what she fights for 200 times (get it, once each episode... yeah.) She fights and "punishes" those who do wrong, but she's also very merciful. Anyone who repents, she's quick to forgive. But when if it comes down to it, she will fight the pure evil to protect the rest of the world.
Help me see the world through your eyes, Abba.
~Sailor Star Defender (Alyssa)
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