Sadness

Lesson #4: It's okay to be sad.

I remember when I was little, that I hated being sad.  So much, that I made myself numb and hid my sadness of things like my parent's divorce or my grandpa's death.  Through much self reflection and years of healing, I've realized it is better to be sad than numb.  I'd rather feel something, and know that I'm human than feel nothing at all.  I still have yet to okay with being sad, however.  I think one of the reasons I hate being sad so much is because I tend to cry a lot when I'm depressed.  At least when I was numb, I didn't shed any tears.  Now I seem to cry over everything, big or small.  I even cry when other people are crying, and I have no slue what they're crying about.

To me, tears are a form of weakness.  Well, at least that's what I believe when I'm in the process of crying. When I'm crying, I shy up and can't show my face because I think that I'm being weak.  I know after the fact that it's not the case, but still.  Anyways, something that I've had to learn is that crying and being depressed is okay.  In fact, it only makes me stronger.  Maybe not in the moment.  But I find that when I (and other people) are going through a difficult time, that it leaves much more room for growth.  It's when we're at our lowest, that we see God the most.  One of my favorite songs describes this perfectly. "Sometimes the only thing left to do is give into the gravity that makes you low enough to see…." ~1000 Generations, Bring Me Down.

Okay, cheezy Sailor Moon illustration time.  When we first meet Usagi, she's a HUGE cry baby.  I mean, she would get attacked and shout, "I WANT TO GOOOOO HOMEEEEE!!!!" Then we fast forward to Arc 5 (Sailor Stars).  It's the night before Darien is leaving for America to study abroad and Usagi is crying on her bed.  "I don't think I'm strong enough, Luna." she mutters.

"You've grown so much these past few years, but I haven't been able to see it until now," Luna says back to her.

Isn't that so true?  It's when we're vulnerable and sad that we realize how much we've grown, and how much we can grow.  It may be hard to see now, but this will pass.  No matter how many friends I lose or trials I face with my family, I have a God who gives me the strength and comfort I need.  So I'll welcome the tears and the brokenness, because I know God sees my burdens and is carrying my weight. He is the best friend and lover, what more do I need?  Ecclesiastes 3:4 says, "There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."

It's my time to weep, but I will laugh again one day and be thankful for the time I did weep.  So for now, I need to be okay with that.

With Lots of Love,

~Alyssa (SailorD)

I Am Beautiful

So I realize the title sounds kind of shallow.  It's not a "OMG. I'M SOOOO BEAUTIFUL!!" type of post, so just hear me out. 

Lesson Number 3: Everyone is Beautiful, including myself.

I didn't have a lot of self-esteem growing up. Heck, I still don't.  I wasn't one of those girls who anyone found attractive until about sophmore year of high school (and even that is debatable).  When I became a follower of Christ, realizing that I was beautiful was one of the things I struggled with the most.  Afterall, what's to like about me?  I'm plain and boring.  Or at least that was my mind set back then.  At the end of my sophmore year (so nearly two years later), I was finally able to accept that I was a Beautiful child of God.... on the inside.  On the outside? Not so much, that came later.  Even after I got my first confession, I had doubts that he would like me for very long.  I thought, "He'll move on to someone else, there's nothing captivating about me. He'll find someone much prettier."

Ah. Captivating.  I absolutely love this word!  Just the word and the way it sounds captivates me.  Great book too, read it ladies!!  Okay, back on topic.  That year of waiting to be with someone made me realize that I am captivating.  He waited for me for a whole year! I must be captivating, both inside and out.  Yay! Happy ending right? Right?!  Nope.  As the years passed, and my relationship with God came to a screeching hault, I became less confident about myself on the inside.  I am finally able to convince myself that I'm beautiful on the outside, but not the inside anymore.  I thought, "What is wrong with me?  I'm such a terrible person for letting my relationship with God fall so hard.  Where is Alyssa?"

So as my confidence on the inside faded away, I sought comfort by making myself more appealing on the outside and boosting that confidence.  That was me about six months ago.  It wasn't until working at Hume Lake that I regained most of my confidence that I am Beautiful on the inside too.  It's still something I'm struggling with.  Sometimes I catch myself wanting praise or doing things to glorify myself and then I think, "I'm so awful.  I'm doing this for my own selfishness, not for God's glory." But then I just have to remind myself that I am a child of God.  He created me, therefore, I am Beautiful.  Everything He touches turns Beautiful and if I know one thing it's that I have been touched by God. 

One thing I absolutely love about Sailor Moon is that Usagi always emphasises the importance of internal beauty.  She always says, "That doesn't matter, it's what's on the inside that counts." Yes, it's super cheesy.  But why is that concept so hard to grasp?  I'm beautiful, yet I have a hard time believing it sometimes.  I think a lot (if not all) women have struggled with this.  It's the one thing Satan makes sure to critisize us on.  "Look at you, who would want you?  This obviously happened because you aren't beuatiful enough.  It's your fault."  He's jealous of our beauty because God created us in His own image.  The sad thing is, most of us believe the lie that we aren't beautiful.  If there's one thing I've learned from being a Sailor Scout Warrior of God, it's that mankind is beautiful, including myself.  One thing I always try to tell the high school girls at New Hope is that they are beautiful.  Not pretty.  Not attractive.  Beautiful.  Quick lesson for you men, women want to be called beautiful.  Because beautiful implies that we are so on the inside and out and you don't just like them for their looks.  Okay, I'll quickly stop here before this turns into a tangent.  I've already written way more than I planned.

This whole post can be summed up into one phrase: I am a beautiful child of God.

With Lots of Love,

~Alyssa (Sailor Star Defender)

Love is Worth Fighting For

Lesson #2 of a Sailor Scout: Love is Worth Fighting For

Always.  Even when facing death, love is worth fighting for.  Not just in the romantic sense, but also in the sense of fighting the 'good fight'.  Now, when I refer to the 'good fight', I'm referring to the idea that God has sent all of his followers on a quest to fight in His name.  And, according to 1 John 4:16, God is Love.  Therefore, one can make the conclusion that we as followers are fighting in the name of Love (queue the music!).  It is our duty as Followers of The Way to love people, no matter what.  Yet, our selfishness says, "But that person is so awful! Look what they did. They don't deserve my love."

This is the great battle that all believers face.  We want to love others, but we're afraid of getting hurt because we know that the world has a huge sin problem.  We're afraid that if we fight for it, we'll only be rejected and get hurt.  Chances are, you will.  But that doesn't mean you should ever give up.  Love is always worth fighting for (I feel a cheesy illustration coming on).  Serena never gave up on Darien when he broke up with her (anddddd there it is).  She kept putting herself out there, only to get hurt for a good portion for the 1st and 2nd season.  But love triumphed in the end.  Now, I'm not saying love wins all the time (We all should know this from personal experience), but I would rather put myself out there (again, not just talking romantically) than give up and regret it.

I know that in order to be loved in return, I need to put myself out there.  But love is not always returned with love.  Many times, it's returned with pain.  Talking about this always reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Joy Dawson: "You only hurt as much as you love..."  I've hurt a lot, but I've also been numb a lot. I allow numbness to over take me because I'm scared of the pain.  However, when I go numb there isn't much room for love either.  I lose either way.  When thinking about it, I would much rather feel pain than nothing at all.  That way, I know I at least made an effort.  As a Scout, it's something I'm still working on. I don't like to draw attention to myself and loving others very openly can call attention many times.

God has made it clear to me that I need to fight more for love.  I can't coward away because I'm scared.  I need to fight for love (and justice, but we'll get there) without being afraid of getting hurt.  Jesus puts himself out there knowing that He's going to get hurt, but He does it anyway for our sake.  The quote by Joy Dawson says in full, "You only hurt as much as you love, in which Jesus hurts the most."  What a beautiful mystery God is.  He never fails to awe me.  Thank you for fighting for me.

~Sailor Star Defender (Alyssa)

A Sailor Scout In Training

Okay, I know the title is ridiculous. Heck, this whole blog is probably ridiculous, but I'm losing my mind slowly. One of the best things I had at Hume was my journal. It was my best friend most of the time, something I could go to when I need to vent or express myself. It was also something I could look back on. Recently, I looked at some of the entries and I slowly saw the growth that took place. I liked being able to read an entry and feel like I'm there again. Because of my journal, I know exactly how I was feeling and it makes it all seem more real.

Anywho, I decided that being a "Sailor Scout In Training" would be my basic theme for this blog (thus the name SailorD, short for Sailor Star Defender). Although for some people this seems childish and ridiculous, I see it with all seriousness. For me, Sailor Moon is a character that closely resembles a Warrior of God. She fights for Love and Justice. She never leaves anyone behind. She has a crystal heart that can be seen by everyone. And, my favorite part, she's human. She makes mistakes, but repents immediately (okay, by the end of each episode). Point being, I want to be a Scout like her. I want to honor God by striving to be the best Warrior/Princess/Daughter I can be. I haven't been that, and I know this.

Lesson one of being a Scout: Be selfless. All the scouts at some point are willing to lay their lives down for one another. They selflessly sacrifice everything for the greater good, and for each other. So why do I have such a hard time with this? Is my heart so selfish that I can't give up what I want to glorify God? Or is it that I just have trust issues? Probably both. I'll talk about trust later. God clearly commands us to be selfless and love one another (Philippians 4:2, Luke 6:35). But what does it look like to be completely selfless? I feel like the the obvious answer is Jesus. I mean, look at what he did to show us love! Gah, I still can't even get over what He did. Whenever I truly think about Jesus's selfless act I think, "Wow." That's all I can think. Words can't describe! Even in sign language, all I can sign is "Amazing." As a Scout, I know it will take time to get there. In the first episode of Sailor Moon, Usagi (Serena) says, "I WANT TO GO HOME!" in the middle of the fight. And then we see this amazing transformation when she throws herself into battle time and time again. It will take time, my hope is I will look back on these blog entries, smile, and see growth.

Abba, Father, show me how to be selfless like you. My heart is wicked and it only wants to benefit my selfish desires. Come into my heart again, Lord, and make it clean. Your servant is listening. Here I am. Amen.

With Lots of Love,

 ~SailorD