Lesson number 8: I've slowly learned what love languages speak to me the most.
Not sure why I'm writing this one. It's a lesson that has helped me so much in understanding why I feel the way I feel sometimes and why I respond to certain things more than others. I'm going to list each love language and then say how it correlates to myself.
Gifts- One thing is for sure. Gifts is not my love language. It's not that I don't like gifts, I just don't feel as much intimacy with people as I do with other love languages. My favorite gifts are thoughtful, and take time (which is my love language). My top five favorite gifts of all time are (in no particular order): a picture frame that I made with my old boyfriend, a personal scrapbook (that has a poem she wrote in it!), letters my friend wrote me when I left for Hume Lake, pictures my friend drew for me, and my purity ring (which I waited to get for about 4 years). I love personal gifts, I can't say that enough. That's why I don't like giving gifts unless they're thoughtful.
Acts of Service- This is the one love language that I honestly wish was higher, but it's not. I absolutely appreciate it when people do things for me, I just don't feel as loved when I receive acts of service compared to the other languages. My ex boyfriend was the master at this language, but I never felt intimacy/love when he would bring me food to work or wash my dish. I just thought, "that was nice." I never thought, "WOW. I can't believe he did that for me! He's so sweet and loving." I wish I was better at this language because it drives my mom crazy that I'm not more thoughtful when it comes to doing chores or doing things for her.
Touch- This is a language that was honestly completely dead for the longest time and was only brought out by my ex boyfriend and other friends. I LOVE touch. I honestly debate with myself weather or not this or words of affirmation is higher. Words of affirmation only beats touch my a little bit. I feel so much love and intimacy with friends when we hug, have are arms around each other, hold hands (especially when I pray), etc. I just feel so close to people who I can touch and hold. When someone touches my leg/arm and asks how I'm doing, I feel like they legitimately want to know and it's not just a passing conversation.
Words of Affirmation- The only reason words of affirmation is my secondary love language compared to time is because people's words affect me SO much. One sarcastic comment and my mood drops. One compliment and my mood is immediately uplifted. I wish that I would get hit on more often by guys, I think it would really boost my self confidence haha just kidding (kind of). I can't get enough of compliments and when people say, "I love you" (not 'love you' or 'love ya' or 'ily', the whole phrase).
Time- Time is my love language, without a doubt. If I haven't spent time with someone or haven't talked to them in a long time I feel so disconnected. This is why I love thoughtful gifts, letters, and why I show up early to everything. We don't even have to be talking, just their presence is enough to make me feel close to them. When people want to spend time with me, I feel loved. More loved than I think they know.
This is me and I've learned a lot from knowing my love languages.
~Alyssa (SailorD)
P.S: No Sailor Moon illustration this time :P
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Leadership
Lesson Number Seven: I need a leader.
This is something that I've known since the end of sophomore year, but only recently have I really understood why. After I ended my 2-3 year relationship, I began a deep search from within. "Why weren't we working?" I asked myself. He's the kindest and most loving man I've ever met. When I look at him, I see Jesus in his heart and soul. We almost never fought, and we always talked things out. AND he's my type! What more could I ask for? Then the word pops into my head: a leader.
From the beginning of our relationship, I knew he didn't posses a lot of leadership skills and it always bothered me cause that was on the top of my list. But we had such a great partnership that I brushed it to the side. Don't get me wrong, I want a partnership too. However, I'm very old fashion too and I do believe the man needs to be the leader in a relationship. That's why my parent's marriage fell apart, and I won't have that happen to me. I'm not saying our relationship fell apart because he didn't posses enough leadership skills, it's also because of me. Something I've discovered about myself (through God's revelation and my group comm class) is that I'm a very good follower unless there is no one to follow. If there is no leader, I immediately step in and take that role. I literally had an "Ah!" moment when I realized this. It makes so much sense to me. When the Invisible Children club lost it's leader and needed healing, I stepped in. When there was no volunteers to lead in my group comm class, I became the unnamed leader. When he wouldn't say stop, I would.
The times I was most attracted to my ex boyfriend (oh how I hate saying that sometimes) was right after he would give his sermons. He exerted so much leadership and wisdom, I loved it (and oh how I would go crazy)! I guess that's why I'm so attracted to guys with leadership qualities (especially spiritual). I need someone who doesn't let me take control of the relationship. What I want more than anything is my prince/knight to help guide me through an adventurous life. This is exactly what Jesus wants to do as my lover, and I love that He is the leader of my life. If he wasn't, my life would crumble.
Sailor Moon illustration time! Ah, Mamoru and Usagi are the perfect example of this whole lesson. Although Usagi is the leader of the Sailor Senshi, she is ultimately a Queen with Mamoru as the King. They have such a beautiful partnership when ruling the kingdom, but when it comes to fighting against evil, Mamoru tends to take the lead. Usagi still fights, of course, but Mamoru is the one in command. I love and admire their relationship so much because it's what I want. I want to fight for God, side by side with my husband, but with his guidance.
God, I don't know what you have in mind for me, but I trust you in this. You've made it so clear to me that you want to be that lover to guide me, and I still chase after other things to guide me. Don't let go of my hand, I need you always.
With lots of love,
~Alyssa (SailorD)
This is something that I've known since the end of sophomore year, but only recently have I really understood why. After I ended my 2-3 year relationship, I began a deep search from within. "Why weren't we working?" I asked myself. He's the kindest and most loving man I've ever met. When I look at him, I see Jesus in his heart and soul. We almost never fought, and we always talked things out. AND he's my type! What more could I ask for? Then the word pops into my head: a leader.
From the beginning of our relationship, I knew he didn't posses a lot of leadership skills and it always bothered me cause that was on the top of my list. But we had such a great partnership that I brushed it to the side. Don't get me wrong, I want a partnership too. However, I'm very old fashion too and I do believe the man needs to be the leader in a relationship. That's why my parent's marriage fell apart, and I won't have that happen to me. I'm not saying our relationship fell apart because he didn't posses enough leadership skills, it's also because of me. Something I've discovered about myself (through God's revelation and my group comm class) is that I'm a very good follower unless there is no one to follow. If there is no leader, I immediately step in and take that role. I literally had an "Ah!" moment when I realized this. It makes so much sense to me. When the Invisible Children club lost it's leader and needed healing, I stepped in. When there was no volunteers to lead in my group comm class, I became the unnamed leader. When he wouldn't say stop, I would.
The times I was most attracted to my ex boyfriend (oh how I hate saying that sometimes) was right after he would give his sermons. He exerted so much leadership and wisdom, I loved it (and oh how I would go crazy)! I guess that's why I'm so attracted to guys with leadership qualities (especially spiritual). I need someone who doesn't let me take control of the relationship. What I want more than anything is my prince/knight to help guide me through an adventurous life. This is exactly what Jesus wants to do as my lover, and I love that He is the leader of my life. If he wasn't, my life would crumble.
Sailor Moon illustration time! Ah, Mamoru and Usagi are the perfect example of this whole lesson. Although Usagi is the leader of the Sailor Senshi, she is ultimately a Queen with Mamoru as the King. They have such a beautiful partnership when ruling the kingdom, but when it comes to fighting against evil, Mamoru tends to take the lead. Usagi still fights, of course, but Mamoru is the one in command. I love and admire their relationship so much because it's what I want. I want to fight for God, side by side with my husband, but with his guidance.
God, I don't know what you have in mind for me, but I trust you in this. You've made it so clear to me that you want to be that lover to guide me, and I still chase after other things to guide me. Don't let go of my hand, I need you always.
With lots of love,
~Alyssa (SailorD)
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Earthly Things Don't Last Forever
Lesson Numbero Six: I can't speak Spanish Haha, just kidding. Sort of. Earthly things fade away, nothing on earth lasts forever.
This is a lesson that I've very much struggled with in my walk with Christ. The concept itself is easy enough to understand, and in my heart I know it to be true. Logically, I know this lesson very well. In my actions, however, it's very difficult for me to grasp. I wouldn't say I have a problem with material possessions (although working in retail certainly hasn't helped my shopping habits). I have a problem with letting go of things that have the possibility of lasting a very long time: romantic love, friendships, items with sentimental value, a family member, and even my way of living. Whenever something like these are threatened, I don't take it very well. I have an extremely difficult time of letting go of stuff like this and I know exactly why. I afraid that once I give it to God, I won't get it back. This could quickly get into a trust issue post, so I won't get into that point too much.
Anywho, back to my original point. I'm reminded of so many scriptures, but I guess the verse (or book rather) is the book of Ecclesiastes. As depressing as this book can be, it sums up this earthly life into one word: meaningless. "'Meaningless! Meaningless!' Says the teacher. 'Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.'" In my opinion, their is nothing more depressing than learning that everything you have and will accomplished in this life is pointless. But on the flip side, it's also the most encouraging. It says (in summary): Yes, this life is meaningless, but it's only a stepping stone to eternity.
Wow! We have so much to look forward to in heaven. Being with God for eternity, what could possibly be better? It's amazing how fast I forget that things like the friends I make or sentimental items I hold are completely temporary. I don't know where I get it into my head that these things will somehow last forever, but I know it's not God.
Even Sailor Moon knows this lesson better than me! She knows that her life in Japan is temporary because her life in Crystal Tokyo is what is forever (Anyone who is reading this is probably like What the...?). In all seriousness, Usagi openly admits in Arc 3 and 4 that the life they're living now is meaningless. She says, "I'm a queen/princess in another world, what does this even matter?" Okay, that was slightly out of context since she's talking about her exams, but you get the point. She sums it up so well: I may just be ordinary here, but it doesn't matter! I'm a princess in another world.
I'll end with one of my favorite songs, Open Up the Skies. We sung it repeated at Wildwood and I think it sums everything up very nicely:
Our beloved Father
Please come down and meet us
We are waiting on Your touch
Open up the heavens
Shower down Your presence
We respond to Your great love
We won’t be satisfied with anything ordinary
We won’t be satisfied at all
Open up the sky
Fall down like rain
We don’t want blessings
We want you
Open up the sky
Fall down like fire
We don’t want anything but you
Our beloved Jesus
We just want to see
You In the glory of Your light
Earthly things don’t matter
They just fade and shatter
When were touched by love divine
Here we go lets go to the throne
The place that we belong
Right into His arms
Loving you Abba,
~Alyssa (SailorD)
This is a lesson that I've very much struggled with in my walk with Christ. The concept itself is easy enough to understand, and in my heart I know it to be true. Logically, I know this lesson very well. In my actions, however, it's very difficult for me to grasp. I wouldn't say I have a problem with material possessions (although working in retail certainly hasn't helped my shopping habits). I have a problem with letting go of things that have the possibility of lasting a very long time: romantic love, friendships, items with sentimental value, a family member, and even my way of living. Whenever something like these are threatened, I don't take it very well. I have an extremely difficult time of letting go of stuff like this and I know exactly why. I afraid that once I give it to God, I won't get it back. This could quickly get into a trust issue post, so I won't get into that point too much.
Anywho, back to my original point. I'm reminded of so many scriptures, but I guess the verse (or book rather) is the book of Ecclesiastes. As depressing as this book can be, it sums up this earthly life into one word: meaningless. "'Meaningless! Meaningless!' Says the teacher. 'Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.'" In my opinion, their is nothing more depressing than learning that everything you have and will accomplished in this life is pointless. But on the flip side, it's also the most encouraging. It says (in summary): Yes, this life is meaningless, but it's only a stepping stone to eternity.
Wow! We have so much to look forward to in heaven. Being with God for eternity, what could possibly be better? It's amazing how fast I forget that things like the friends I make or sentimental items I hold are completely temporary. I don't know where I get it into my head that these things will somehow last forever, but I know it's not God.
Even Sailor Moon knows this lesson better than me! She knows that her life in Japan is temporary because her life in Crystal Tokyo is what is forever (Anyone who is reading this is probably like What the...?). In all seriousness, Usagi openly admits in Arc 3 and 4 that the life they're living now is meaningless. She says, "I'm a queen/princess in another world, what does this even matter?" Okay, that was slightly out of context since she's talking about her exams, but you get the point. She sums it up so well: I may just be ordinary here, but it doesn't matter! I'm a princess in another world.
I'll end with one of my favorite songs, Open Up the Skies. We sung it repeated at Wildwood and I think it sums everything up very nicely:
Our beloved Father
Please come down and meet us
We are waiting on Your touch
Open up the heavens
Shower down Your presence
We respond to Your great love
We won’t be satisfied with anything ordinary
We won’t be satisfied at all
Open up the sky
Fall down like rain
We don’t want blessings
We want you
Open up the sky
Fall down like fire
We don’t want anything but you
Our beloved Jesus
We just want to see
You In the glory of Your light
Earthly things don’t matter
They just fade and shatter
When were touched by love divine
Here we go lets go to the throne
The place that we belong
Right into His arms
Loving you Abba,
~Alyssa (SailorD)
Friday, December 7, 2012
Contentment vs. Joy
Lesson Cinq: Be joyful rather than content.
This is a lesson God has only recently taught me (like the past two/three days) and I felt the need to write on it. Recently, I was told by a friend to pray for contentment in my life. This is advice I have given to other people as well, so I agreed to pray for contentment. However, after a few days of praying for contentment, I was curious to see what the Bible said about being content/contentment. Only three verses popped up when I looked up 'contentment'. Not only was I surprised by this, but when you look at the context of the verses, it talks about being content with things like earthly possessions (Ex: 1 Timothy 6:6). The Bible doesn't talks about finding contentment in Life, just in earthly possessions. Granted, that is a big part of life and you should be content with what you have, but overall, I've come to the realization that we shouldn't be content with life. We should be Joyful with our life.
I believe that being content with the life God gave us makes us less passionate beings. "Oh yeah, I'm content with what God has given me, it's a good life," is what I picture a content person saying. How boring! It's almost a slap in the face to God! We should be much more passionate and joyful about the life God has given us. "Look what God has done with my life! My life isn't complete without him, I've never been more joyful!" is what the joyous, passionate person says.
So no matter the situation, I need to be praying for joy, not contentment. I do believe I have found that again through the grace of God, even if it doesn't look like it sometimes. I may not be happy all the time, but I know that I am joyful because God has saved me! He continues to be with me, it doesn't get any better than that. I've found my joy in this situation and life, and I'm overwhelmed with thanks to God.
Unfortunately, I don't have a cheesy Sailor Moon illustration today. All I can say is that Sailor Moon is one of the most joyful people I know, and the one time she tried being content, it brought her to tears. Joy is what completes us.
"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." ~John 15:11
"Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." ~John 16:24
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." ~Romans 15:13
Thanks Daddy, I love you!
~Alyssa (SailorD)
This is a lesson God has only recently taught me (like the past two/three days) and I felt the need to write on it. Recently, I was told by a friend to pray for contentment in my life. This is advice I have given to other people as well, so I agreed to pray for contentment. However, after a few days of praying for contentment, I was curious to see what the Bible said about being content/contentment. Only three verses popped up when I looked up 'contentment'. Not only was I surprised by this, but when you look at the context of the verses, it talks about being content with things like earthly possessions (Ex: 1 Timothy 6:6). The Bible doesn't talks about finding contentment in Life, just in earthly possessions. Granted, that is a big part of life and you should be content with what you have, but overall, I've come to the realization that we shouldn't be content with life. We should be Joyful with our life.
I believe that being content with the life God gave us makes us less passionate beings. "Oh yeah, I'm content with what God has given me, it's a good life," is what I picture a content person saying. How boring! It's almost a slap in the face to God! We should be much more passionate and joyful about the life God has given us. "Look what God has done with my life! My life isn't complete without him, I've never been more joyful!" is what the joyous, passionate person says.
So no matter the situation, I need to be praying for joy, not contentment. I do believe I have found that again through the grace of God, even if it doesn't look like it sometimes. I may not be happy all the time, but I know that I am joyful because God has saved me! He continues to be with me, it doesn't get any better than that. I've found my joy in this situation and life, and I'm overwhelmed with thanks to God.
Unfortunately, I don't have a cheesy Sailor Moon illustration today. All I can say is that Sailor Moon is one of the most joyful people I know, and the one time she tried being content, it brought her to tears. Joy is what completes us.
"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." ~John 15:11
"Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." ~John 16:24
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." ~Romans 15:13
Thanks Daddy, I love you!
~Alyssa (SailorD)
Friday, November 30, 2012
Sadness
Lesson #4: It's okay to be sad.
I remember when I was little, that I hated being sad. So much, that I made myself numb and hid my sadness of things like my parent's divorce or my grandpa's death. Through much self reflection and years of healing, I've realized it is better to be sad than numb. I'd rather feel something, and know that I'm human than feel nothing at all. I still have yet to okay with being sad, however. I think one of the reasons I hate being sad so much is because I tend to cry a lot when I'm depressed. At least when I was numb, I didn't shed any tears. Now I seem to cry over everything, big or small. I even cry when other people are crying, and I have no slue what they're crying about.
To me, tears are a form of weakness. Well, at least that's what I believe when I'm in the process of crying. When I'm crying, I shy up and can't show my face because I think that I'm being weak. I know after the fact that it's not the case, but still. Anyways, something that I've had to learn is that crying and being depressed is okay. In fact, it only makes me stronger. Maybe not in the moment. But I find that when I (and other people) are going through a difficult time, that it leaves much more room for growth. It's when we're at our lowest, that we see God the most. One of my favorite songs describes this perfectly. "Sometimes the only thing left to do is give into the gravity that makes you low enough to see…." ~1000 Generations, Bring Me Down.
Okay, cheezy Sailor Moon illustration time. When we first meet Usagi, she's a HUGE cry baby. I mean, she would get attacked and shout, "I WANT TO GOOOOO HOMEEEEE!!!!" Then we fast forward to Arc 5 (Sailor Stars). It's the night before Darien is leaving for America to study abroad and Usagi is crying on her bed. "I don't think I'm strong enough, Luna." she mutters.
"You've grown so much these past few years, but I haven't been able to see it until now," Luna says back to her.
Isn't that so true? It's when we're vulnerable and sad that we realize how much we've grown, and how much we can grow. It may be hard to see now, but this will pass. No matter how many friends I lose or trials I face with my family, I have a God who gives me the strength and comfort I need. So I'll welcome the tears and the brokenness, because I know God sees my burdens and is carrying my weight. He is the best friend and lover, what more do I need? Ecclesiastes 3:4 says, "There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."
It's my time to weep, but I will laugh again one day and be thankful for the time I did weep. So for now, I need to be okay with that.
With Lots of Love,
~Alyssa (SailorD)
I remember when I was little, that I hated being sad. So much, that I made myself numb and hid my sadness of things like my parent's divorce or my grandpa's death. Through much self reflection and years of healing, I've realized it is better to be sad than numb. I'd rather feel something, and know that I'm human than feel nothing at all. I still have yet to okay with being sad, however. I think one of the reasons I hate being sad so much is because I tend to cry a lot when I'm depressed. At least when I was numb, I didn't shed any tears. Now I seem to cry over everything, big or small. I even cry when other people are crying, and I have no slue what they're crying about.
To me, tears are a form of weakness. Well, at least that's what I believe when I'm in the process of crying. When I'm crying, I shy up and can't show my face because I think that I'm being weak. I know after the fact that it's not the case, but still. Anyways, something that I've had to learn is that crying and being depressed is okay. In fact, it only makes me stronger. Maybe not in the moment. But I find that when I (and other people) are going through a difficult time, that it leaves much more room for growth. It's when we're at our lowest, that we see God the most. One of my favorite songs describes this perfectly. "Sometimes the only thing left to do is give into the gravity that makes you low enough to see…." ~1000 Generations, Bring Me Down.
Okay, cheezy Sailor Moon illustration time. When we first meet Usagi, she's a HUGE cry baby. I mean, she would get attacked and shout, "I WANT TO GOOOOO HOMEEEEE!!!!" Then we fast forward to Arc 5 (Sailor Stars). It's the night before Darien is leaving for America to study abroad and Usagi is crying on her bed. "I don't think I'm strong enough, Luna." she mutters.
"You've grown so much these past few years, but I haven't been able to see it until now," Luna says back to her.
Isn't that so true? It's when we're vulnerable and sad that we realize how much we've grown, and how much we can grow. It may be hard to see now, but this will pass. No matter how many friends I lose or trials I face with my family, I have a God who gives me the strength and comfort I need. So I'll welcome the tears and the brokenness, because I know God sees my burdens and is carrying my weight. He is the best friend and lover, what more do I need? Ecclesiastes 3:4 says, "There is a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."
It's my time to weep, but I will laugh again one day and be thankful for the time I did weep. So for now, I need to be okay with that.
With Lots of Love,
~Alyssa (SailorD)
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
I Am Beautiful
So I realize the title sounds kind of shallow. It's not a "OMG. I'M SOOOO BEAUTIFUL!!" type of post, so just hear me out.
Lesson Number 3: Everyone is Beautiful, including myself.
I didn't have a lot of self-esteem growing up. Heck, I still don't. I wasn't one of those girls who anyone found attractive until about sophmore year of high school (and even that is debatable). When I became a follower of Christ, realizing that I was beautiful was one of the things I struggled with the most. Afterall, what's to like about me? I'm plain and boring. Or at least that was my mind set back then. At the end of my sophmore year (so nearly two years later), I was finally able to accept that I was a Beautiful child of God.... on the inside. On the outside? Not so much, that came later. Even after I got my first confession, I had doubts that he would like me for very long. I thought, "He'll move on to someone else, there's nothing captivating about me. He'll find someone much prettier."
Ah. Captivating. I absolutely love this word! Just the word and the way it sounds captivates me. Great book too, read it ladies!! Okay, back on topic. That year of waiting to be with someone made me realize that I am captivating. He waited for me for a whole year! I must be captivating, both inside and out. Yay! Happy ending right? Right?! Nope. As the years passed, and my relationship with God came to a screeching hault, I became less confident about myself on the inside. I am finally able to convince myself that I'm beautiful on the outside, but not the inside anymore. I thought, "What is wrong with me? I'm such a terrible person for letting my relationship with God fall so hard. Where is Alyssa?"
So as my confidence on the inside faded away, I sought comfort by making myself more appealing on the outside and boosting that confidence. That was me about six months ago. It wasn't until working at Hume Lake that I regained most of my confidence that I am Beautiful on the inside too. It's still something I'm struggling with. Sometimes I catch myself wanting praise or doing things to glorify myself and then I think, "I'm so awful. I'm doing this for my own selfishness, not for God's glory." But then I just have to remind myself that I am a child of God. He created me, therefore, I am Beautiful. Everything He touches turns Beautiful and if I know one thing it's that I have been touched by God.
One thing I absolutely love about Sailor Moon is that Usagi always emphasises the importance of internal beauty. She always says, "That doesn't matter, it's what's on the inside that counts." Yes, it's super cheesy. But why is that concept so hard to grasp? I'm beautiful, yet I have a hard time believing it sometimes. I think a lot (if not all) women have struggled with this. It's the one thing Satan makes sure to critisize us on. "Look at you, who would want you? This obviously happened because you aren't beuatiful enough. It's your fault." He's jealous of our beauty because God created us in His own image. The sad thing is, most of us believe the lie that we aren't beautiful. If there's one thing I've learned from being aSailor Scout Warrior of God, it's that mankind is beautiful, including myself. One thing I always try to tell the high school girls at New Hope is that they are beautiful. Not pretty. Not attractive. Beautiful. Quick lesson for you men, women want to be called beautiful. Because beautiful implies that we are so on the inside and out and you don't just like them for their looks. Okay, I'll quickly stop here before this turns into a tangent. I've already written way more than I planned.
This whole post can be summed up into one phrase: I am a beautiful child of God.
With Lots of Love,
~Alyssa (Sailor Star Defender)
Lesson Number 3: Everyone is Beautiful, including myself.
I didn't have a lot of self-esteem growing up. Heck, I still don't. I wasn't one of those girls who anyone found attractive until about sophmore year of high school (and even that is debatable). When I became a follower of Christ, realizing that I was beautiful was one of the things I struggled with the most. Afterall, what's to like about me? I'm plain and boring. Or at least that was my mind set back then. At the end of my sophmore year (so nearly two years later), I was finally able to accept that I was a Beautiful child of God.... on the inside. On the outside? Not so much, that came later. Even after I got my first confession, I had doubts that he would like me for very long. I thought, "He'll move on to someone else, there's nothing captivating about me. He'll find someone much prettier."
Ah. Captivating. I absolutely love this word! Just the word and the way it sounds captivates me. Great book too, read it ladies!! Okay, back on topic. That year of waiting to be with someone made me realize that I am captivating. He waited for me for a whole year! I must be captivating, both inside and out. Yay! Happy ending right? Right?! Nope. As the years passed, and my relationship with God came to a screeching hault, I became less confident about myself on the inside. I am finally able to convince myself that I'm beautiful on the outside, but not the inside anymore. I thought, "What is wrong with me? I'm such a terrible person for letting my relationship with God fall so hard. Where is Alyssa?"
So as my confidence on the inside faded away, I sought comfort by making myself more appealing on the outside and boosting that confidence. That was me about six months ago. It wasn't until working at Hume Lake that I regained most of my confidence that I am Beautiful on the inside too. It's still something I'm struggling with. Sometimes I catch myself wanting praise or doing things to glorify myself and then I think, "I'm so awful. I'm doing this for my own selfishness, not for God's glory." But then I just have to remind myself that I am a child of God. He created me, therefore, I am Beautiful. Everything He touches turns Beautiful and if I know one thing it's that I have been touched by God.
One thing I absolutely love about Sailor Moon is that Usagi always emphasises the importance of internal beauty. She always says, "That doesn't matter, it's what's on the inside that counts." Yes, it's super cheesy. But why is that concept so hard to grasp? I'm beautiful, yet I have a hard time believing it sometimes. I think a lot (if not all) women have struggled with this. It's the one thing Satan makes sure to critisize us on. "Look at you, who would want you? This obviously happened because you aren't beuatiful enough. It's your fault." He's jealous of our beauty because God created us in His own image. The sad thing is, most of us believe the lie that we aren't beautiful. If there's one thing I've learned from being a
This whole post can be summed up into one phrase: I am a beautiful child of God.
With Lots of Love,
~Alyssa (Sailor Star Defender)
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Love is Worth Fighting For
Lesson #2 of a Sailor Scout: Love is Worth Fighting For
Always. Even when facing death, love is worth fighting for. Not just in the romantic sense, but also in the sense of fighting the 'good fight'. Now, when I refer to the 'good fight', I'm referring to the idea that God has sent all of his followers on a quest to fight in His name. And, according to 1 John 4:16, God is Love. Therefore, one can make the conclusion that we as followers are fighting in the name of Love (queue the music!). It is our duty as Followers of The Way to love people, no matter what. Yet, our selfishness says, "But that person is so awful! Look what they did. They don't deserve my love."
This is the great battle that all believers face. We want to love others, but we're afraid of getting hurt because we know that the world has a huge sin problem. We're afraid that if we fight for it, we'll only be rejected and get hurt. Chances are, you will. But that doesn't mean you should ever give up. Love is always worth fighting for (I feel a cheesy illustration coming on). Serena never gave up on Darien when he broke up with her (anddddd there it is). She kept putting herself out there, only to get hurt for a good portion for the 1st and 2nd season. But love triumphed in the end. Now, I'm not saying love wins all the time (We all should know this from personal experience), but I would rather put myself out there (again, not just talking romantically) than give up and regret it.
I know that in order to be loved in return, I need to put myself out there. But love is not always returned with love. Many times, it's returned with pain. Talking about this always reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Joy Dawson: "You only hurt as much as you love..." I've hurt a lot, but I've also been numb a lot. I allow numbness to over take me because I'm scared of the pain. However, when I go numb there isn't much room for love either. I lose either way. When thinking about it, I would much rather feel pain than nothing at all. That way, I know I at least made an effort. As a Scout, it's something I'm still working on. I don't like to draw attention to myself and loving others very openly can call attention many times.
God has made it clear to me that I need to fight more for love. I can't coward away because I'm scared. I need to fight for love (and justice, but we'll get there) without being afraid of getting hurt. Jesus puts himself out there knowing that He's going to get hurt, but He does it anyway for our sake. The quote by Joy Dawson says in full, "You only hurt as much as you love, in which Jesus hurts the most." What a beautiful mystery God is. He never fails to awe me. Thank you for fighting for me.
~Sailor Star Defender (Alyssa)
Always. Even when facing death, love is worth fighting for. Not just in the romantic sense, but also in the sense of fighting the 'good fight'. Now, when I refer to the 'good fight', I'm referring to the idea that God has sent all of his followers on a quest to fight in His name. And, according to 1 John 4:16, God is Love. Therefore, one can make the conclusion that we as followers are fighting in the name of Love (queue the music!). It is our duty as Followers of The Way to love people, no matter what. Yet, our selfishness says, "But that person is so awful! Look what they did. They don't deserve my love."
This is the great battle that all believers face. We want to love others, but we're afraid of getting hurt because we know that the world has a huge sin problem. We're afraid that if we fight for it, we'll only be rejected and get hurt. Chances are, you will. But that doesn't mean you should ever give up. Love is always worth fighting for (I feel a cheesy illustration coming on). Serena never gave up on Darien when he broke up with her (anddddd there it is). She kept putting herself out there, only to get hurt for a good portion for the 1st and 2nd season. But love triumphed in the end. Now, I'm not saying love wins all the time (We all should know this from personal experience), but I would rather put myself out there (again, not just talking romantically) than give up and regret it.
I know that in order to be loved in return, I need to put myself out there. But love is not always returned with love. Many times, it's returned with pain. Talking about this always reminds me of one of my favorite quotes by Joy Dawson: "You only hurt as much as you love..." I've hurt a lot, but I've also been numb a lot. I allow numbness to over take me because I'm scared of the pain. However, when I go numb there isn't much room for love either. I lose either way. When thinking about it, I would much rather feel pain than nothing at all. That way, I know I at least made an effort. As a Scout, it's something I'm still working on. I don't like to draw attention to myself and loving others very openly can call attention many times.
God has made it clear to me that I need to fight more for love. I can't coward away because I'm scared. I need to fight for love (and justice, but we'll get there) without being afraid of getting hurt. Jesus puts himself out there knowing that He's going to get hurt, but He does it anyway for our sake. The quote by Joy Dawson says in full, "You only hurt as much as you love, in which Jesus hurts the most." What a beautiful mystery God is. He never fails to awe me. Thank you for fighting for me.
~Sailor Star Defender (Alyssa)
Thursday, November 15, 2012
A Sailor Scout In Training
Okay, I know the title is ridiculous. Heck, this whole blog is probably ridiculous, but I'm losing my mind slowly. One of the best things I had at Hume was my journal. It was my best friend most of the time, something I could go to when I need to vent or express myself. It was also something I could look back on. Recently, I looked at some of the entries and I slowly saw the growth that took place. I liked being able to read an entry and feel like I'm there again. Because of my journal, I know exactly how I was feeling and it makes it all seem more real.
Anywho, I decided that being a "Sailor Scout In Training" would be my basic theme for this blog (thus the name SailorD, short for Sailor Star Defender). Although for some people this seems childish and ridiculous, I see it with all seriousness. For me, Sailor Moon is a character that closely resembles a Warrior of God. She fights for Love and Justice. She never leaves anyone behind. She has acrystal heart that can be seen by everyone. And, my favorite part, she's human. She makes mistakes, but repents immediately (okay, by the end of each episode). Point being, I want to be a Scout like her. I want to honor God by striving to be the best Warrior/Princess/Daughter I can be. I haven't been that, and I know this.
Lesson one of being a Scout: Be selfless. All the scouts at some point are willing to lay their lives down for one another. They selflessly sacrifice everything for the greater good, and for each other. So why do I have such a hard time with this? Is my heart so selfish that I can't give up what I want to glorify God? Or is it that I just have trust issues? Probably both. I'll talk about trust later. God clearly commands us to be selfless and love one another (Philippians 4:2, Luke 6:35). But what does it look like to be completely selfless? I feel like the the obvious answer is Jesus. I mean, look at what he did to show us love! Gah, I still can't even get over what He did. Whenever I truly think about Jesus's selfless act I think, "Wow." That's all I can think. Words can't describe! Even in sign language, all I can sign is "Amazing." As a Scout, I know it will take time to get there. In the first episode of Sailor Moon, Usagi (Serena) says, "I WANT TO GO HOME!" in the middle of the fight. And then we see this amazing transformation when she throws herself into battle time and time again. It will take time, my hope is I will look back on these blog entries, smile, and see growth.
Abba, Father, show me how to be selfless like you. My heart is wicked and it only wants to benefit my selfish desires. Come into my heart again, Lord, and make it clean. Your servant is listening. Here I am. Amen.
With Lots of Love,
~SailorD
Anywho, I decided that being a "Sailor Scout In Training" would be my basic theme for this blog (thus the name SailorD, short for Sailor Star Defender). Although for some people this seems childish and ridiculous, I see it with all seriousness. For me, Sailor Moon is a character that closely resembles a Warrior of God. She fights for Love and Justice. She never leaves anyone behind. She has a
Lesson one of being a Scout: Be selfless. All the scouts at some point are willing to lay their lives down for one another. They selflessly sacrifice everything for the greater good, and for each other. So why do I have such a hard time with this? Is my heart so selfish that I can't give up what I want to glorify God? Or is it that I just have trust issues? Probably both. I'll talk about trust later. God clearly commands us to be selfless and love one another (Philippians 4:2, Luke 6:35). But what does it look like to be completely selfless? I feel like the the obvious answer is Jesus. I mean, look at what he did to show us love! Gah, I still can't even get over what He did. Whenever I truly think about Jesus's selfless act I think, "Wow." That's all I can think. Words can't describe! Even in sign language, all I can sign is "Amazing." As a Scout, I know it will take time to get there. In the first episode of Sailor Moon, Usagi (Serena) says, "I WANT TO GO HOME!" in the middle of the fight. And then we see this amazing transformation when she throws herself into battle time and time again. It will take time, my hope is I will look back on these blog entries, smile, and see growth.
Abba, Father, show me how to be selfless like you. My heart is wicked and it only wants to benefit my selfish desires. Come into my heart again, Lord, and make it clean. Your servant is listening. Here I am. Amen.
With Lots of Love,
~SailorD
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