Desire

Lesson 19: We can't kill our desire.

One of my favorite authors, John Eldredge, constantly speaks of this desire that's built into our hearts (and in fact, he wrote a whole book on the subject matter).  I absolutely love the fact that he talks about our desire for adventure and romance.  I find myself thinking, "He's right, there is something deep inside of me that desires these things!"  I think it's true for all people, we all have these desires deep down.  Many people try to push away these desires and bury them away.  But if we're speaking honestly, the only people who are truly remembered are the people who decided to act on those desires.  Or at least that's my theory.

Anywho, the past few days I've been thinking about the desires of my heart.  I remember the first time I heard someone who used the word desire and God together.  It was my roommate at Hume Lake.  She said, "It's just amazing to me how this all worked out, I love how God just knows the desires of my heart."  At the time she was talking about a job position that she had been offered for this coming summer, and it was obvious God had done a little 'meddling' to get her there.  I was so happy when God gave her what she desired, but what happens when God doesn't give us our deepest desire?  Does He not care?

I felt like that the past few days to be completely honest.  It's been about a month since I've seen my best friend, and I've been planning to visit her the past few months.  When I requested the time off from work, I was granted that time, but then it was denied a few days later due to lack of employees that could work.  I was disappointed to say the least, but I didn't think it was the end of the world.  A few more days past and my co-worker informed me that she would be able to cover my shift so I could go.  My heart was so overjoyed that I thought this was God giving me my desire.  I don't think people understand just how much I desire to see my best friend.  She means the world to me and any chance I can get just fills my heart.

Well, after a few days of getting excited again, I received a phone call from the co-worker who said she would take my shift that her grandmother had passed away and the funeral was on Saturday.  I knew immediately what that meant: I wouldn't be able to see my best friend.  My heart sank.  I felt bad for my co-worker, but for a while I was so wrapped up in my own crushed desire.  I took a step back and was looking at my heart.  I thought, "God, why are you doing this to me?  You know how much this means to me! Why did you take away my desire? TWICE."  I was upset to say the least.

I turned to God's word and immediately got slapped in the face.  I kept reading passages about being a servant to others and if one wants to be first they must be a servant.  I also read about how Paul says in his letters that he 'deeply longs to see (insert city)'.  If I remember correctly, he never did get the chance to go back visit them (I for the life of me cannot remember the people whom he was speaking to).  Point being, God quickly corrected me and told me, "I care about your desires, but it's not about you.  It's about loving people who need me.  Their needs are more important than your desires."  I thought about it and He is right. I have the rest of my life with my best friend, my co-worker only had one more chance to see her grandmother.  While I don't consider my desire selfish at all, my thoughts certainly were.

I think people often confuse desire and selfishness.  They assume that desire immediately equates selfishness, when that's not always the case.  It's our selfish thoughts that make the desire seem selfish.  Desire is not a bad thing.  One thing I love that John Eldredge points out is that every women has this desire to be pursued.  I've talked a little bit about that already I think so I won't go into it, but yeah.  I forgot where I was going with that.  Well, I guess I still have a lot to learn about my desires, but I'm glad that I have God to always win my heart back!

I love you, Jesus.

~Alyssa (SailorD)

P.S: Has anyone but me noticed I haven't been doing so many Sailor Moon illustrations?  I need to get on that.