Disposable

Lesson 22: I am not disposable.

This lesson seems kind of a 'well duh!' kind of lesson, but hear me out.  Most of you who read this blog know that I was rejected from Hume Lake this summer, and I was later accepted when a position opened up.  This is where this word 'disposable' first came into my mind.  I was talking to my mom when I told her I wasn't going to Hume and I got an email confirming it.  Note that the following conversation in slightly paraphrased.

Me: Yeah, but it's okay.  I still have Pump It Up and other things I can do this summer.

Mom: You know, I find it interesting that you have one company where you're so important that they never want you to leave, and then you have Hume where you're kind of... Hmmm.... *thinking of word*

Me: Disposable?

Mom: Yeah, pretty much.

I'm not sure why that word suddenly came to my mind.  I have a hunch that the devil was listening pretty closely and perhaps whispered the idea into my head, but needless to say, it's kind of messed up my head.  Ever since I said that word, it's how I've felt in a lot of my current situations and even in some friendships.  When time is cut short or not enough time is spent, I feel like that person doesn't need me and I can be replaced easily.  I know of course I can never be replaced, but perhaps the happiness that person feels with me can be?  And perhaps there is some truth that people don't absolutely need me, but it still hurts because I feel like I need them but they don't need me.  I'm so dependent on the relationships that I have with others, and I know it's not always good for me.

Anywho, before this turns into that kind of post, I'm going to go on.  It hasn't just been in my relationships though.  If I was being honest, I recently have felt disposable everywhere I go, except Pump It Up.  At PIU I know that I'm needed there and I honestly feel like that company would fall to pieces if it weren't for me.  Call me overly proud, but until you've worked there you wouldn't know.  Anyways, even at my church I feel this way.  As some of you know, I've been with New Hope's youth for over 4 years now.  After I graduated high school, I stayed in hopes of becoming a small group leader (the dream I've had since my sophomore year of high school).  It's been two years and I still haven't been given that position, or any sort of position really.  I just kind of show up, talk to the kids and leaders, and hope that I can help in any way possible. Now, I know why I'm not a small group leader yet and I've accepted that.  Due to timing, the position was given to other and more experienced leaders (and rightful so!). I'm not upset that I'm not a small group leader because I figured my time would be coming soon (and by soon, I mean this coming year).

As the time for the new freshman group comes, I'm slowly realizing that there is a huge possibility that I won't be given that position again this year.  Last night, I was looking at a paper that our youth pastor passes out to the small group leaders and it had a list of names of people he considered to be leaders.  My name wasn't on there.  OH NO. But the guy who has been reported for sexual harassment AND was fired from PIU for making out with another employee during company time was on there.  OH.  And an old leader who JUST got back three weeks ago was on there (mind you, I absolutely LOVE this person.  She's incredible and she deserves to be a leader, but I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that I'm jealous that she's immediately considered a leader after only being back three weeks).  But no, I wasn't on there.  Can you tell I'm a little upset?  I just can't help but wonder, "What the heck am I still doing there?"  I'm two years out of high school and I'm still going to a Monday night youth group where I'm not even considered a leader.  Can you see where I feel embarrassed?  I don't care that I don't have title or whatever, I'm just upset that I feel so disposable in the place that I love SO much.  That place feels like family to me, but I can't help but feel like I'm not family to them.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.  It's tearing me apart inside.  God, take this away from me.  I know I'm not disposable to you.  I know that you have an amazing plan for me and you made me for it.  You built in me this need to feel desired, so make me feel desired by you.  I know you desire me, and maybe that's the whole point of all this.  I need you God, take this feeling away from me.  Remind me, Holy Spirit.

Your beautiful daughter,

~Alyssa (SSD)

P.S: Friends, please know that I'm not talking about most of you.  You have been such a blessing me these past few weeks because you've told me and shown me that you want to spend time with me.  As long as you've done that, I can guarantee I haven't felt that way about you.  I love you guys!