Stop Searching

Lesson 15: I need to stop searching and focus on God.

I feel like it's been a while since I've written on here.  I've been busy with school and the move to my new condo that I haven't really had time to just sit and write.  At least that's what it feels like.  Anywho, this lesson has been very real in my life, but I was reminded of it greatly yesterday while I was moving.

I believe I've mentioned before that I have a hard time letting go of my future.  I like things to be planned out and I like planning for my future.  I think it's fun!  But it also shows a big insecurity in me.  I don't like focusing on the here and now.  I'm constantly searching for the puzzle pieces to complete my story.  Why am I in such a rush to complete my puzzle?  There's so much life to live and for some reason I want to skip it!  Perhaps I'm scared of the pain that comes with life, but I know deep down that the joy I will feel and God's strength will far outweigh the pain.

Well, yesterday I was painful reminded that I'm still dependent.  As independent as I try to appear, deep down I long to be dependent on someone.  When I was in a relationship, I depended on him so much that I almost replaced God with him.  I think that's when I also became depressed.  I switched my reliance on God to a reliance on a person.  People disappoint us. Simple truth.  While my ex was absolutely incredible and he was there for me, there was only so much he could do.  He couldn't do what God does, so why did I expect him to?

So here I am, single and so desperately wanting to rely on someone.  You know, I was able to convince myself that I was okay with being single for a while.  But if I'm completely honest, I'm not.  It wasn't until I was finally able to admit that yesterday that God began to speak to my heart again.  I need to protect my heart and rely on God, not a boyfriend.  Don't get me wrong, of course I should trust people and share my thoughts and concerns, but I shouldn't rely on them.  To often when I'm hurt, I go to others immediately instead of consulting God first.  I bet if I did that first, I wouldn't have to go to people as often as I do.  In fact, I know that's true.  Happened at Hume a couple of times.

Back to my original point (on the title), I felt God urging me to Stop Searching.  At first I was like, "What the heck?"  But it made sense as I meditated on it.  When I became a Christian, I wasn't searching for God when we meet.  I wasn't looking to be saved.  When I accepted Jesus, I accepted Him because I realized I needed him.  He found me.  Going back to my puzzle illustration, often times when I'm looking for that one puzzle piece I can never find it until I've given up and start looking for another one or better yet when I look at the whole puzzle.  Generally speaking, we never find what we're looking for when we search for it.  It's when our guard is down that we 'find' it.

Cheezy Sailor Moon illustration starts here:  Serena wasn't looking for Darren when she found him.  She wasn't looking for love when she found that.  She wasn't looking for answers when she found those.  She was focusing on the Good Fight.  She was fighting for love and justice when those things appeared to her (episode 30!).  Just as it is with Sailor Moon, I need to be fighting for God, focusing my attention on his will and on Heaven, then those things will come to be too.

Abba, here I am.  I know I stray away from your path many times, but your light and gentle hand always guides me back. Thank you.

~Alyssa (SSD)

P.S: Rereading this post, it seems a little scatter-brained to me.  Whatever, deal with it.